The 10K Dow

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Vol 35 Issue 13

Clinton Pours Malt Liquor On Ground For Dead Homies

WASHINGTON, DC—At a moving Rose Garden ceremony Monday, President Clinton poured a 40-ounce bottle of King Cobra malt liquor on the ground in honor of his dead homies. "Ron Brown, Vince Foster, James McDougal... y'all be my niggaz, and I will mourn you until I join you," Clinton said. "And to all my other policy advisors, cabinet members and business partners who didn't make it, I will see you at tha crossroads." Clinton then kissed two of his fingertips and extended them outward in a peace gesture.

Despite Claims, Long Story Not Made Short

SCHENECTADY, NY—Contrary to her pre-account vow, area resident Barb Schuyler's long story of how a series of cashier foul-ups at the grocery store Monday made her 25 minutes late for a dental appointment was not made short. "So then, it turns out the stupid woman forgot to ring in my Savers Club discount," Schuyler said to friend Gloria Conlon nine minutes into the non-abbreviated tale. The story is the 1,643rd Schuyler has failed to make short since 1994.

Van's Rocking Motion Discourages Would-Be Knocker

YUMA, AZ—The steady, back-and-forth motions of a 1979 Ford Econoline van sent "a clear message" to local resident Paul Dunne Monday, discouraging him from knocking. "I needed a jump-start for my car, and the closest vehicle was this van," Dunne said. "I was about to knock on the back window, but when I noticed that the van was clearly rocking, I didn't bother." Dunne instead received assistance from an adjacent, non-rocking vehicle.

Salvation Air Force Collecting Used Planes In Your Area

ALEXANDRIA, VA—The Salvation Air Force put out an urgent call to U.S. aviators Monday, urging them to bring any used or unwanted aircraft to their nearest Salvation Air Force location. "We desperately need all manner of jets, biplanes, helicopters, hot-air balloons, zeppelins and autogyros," said Salvation Air Force national commander Denise Puhl, who added that if a building is closed, aircraft can be left in the drop bin outside.

Connect Four-Playing Sis Pretty Sneaky

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Losing Connect Four player Tony Franck denounced his sis as "pretty sneaky" following her diagonal connection of four during a kitchen-table match Tuesday. "I realize that the rules allow for a diagonal arrangement of four checkers, and I fully concede victory to my sis and acknowledge her four-connecting prowess," Franck said following the match. "Still, I maintain that a significant measure of sneakiness was key to her victory." Franck next plans to attend the U.S. Stay Alive™ Championship Tournament in Hilo, HI, vowing, "I will be the sole survivor."
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The 10K Dow

On March 29, the Dow Jones made history, closing above 10,000 points for the first time ever. What do you think about Wall Street's unprecedented vigor?
  • "Damn. I knew I should have invested my money in stocks instead of food."

    Patrick Glynn
    Cab Driver
  • "Ten thousand points doesn't seem like that much. I regularly reach that on the Dig Dug machine at the Hyper-Mart."

    Lester Hodges
    Investment Banker
  • "Everything's wonderful! Let's celebrate America's runaway prosperity by playing 'Yes! We Have No Bananas' on the phonograph again!"

    Felicia Hassler
    Systems Analyst
  • "Some say money is the root of all evil. Then again, some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed."

    Jen Kobel
    Set Designer
  • "This gives me hope that perhaps someday my income will break the $10,000 mark."

    Edward Burris
    Cashier
  • "Forgive me if I do not congratulate your 'Dow' as it soars to ever-loftier heights. I am still mourning my lost son Icarus, whose hubris and folly made him fly too close to the sun."

    Robert Stearns
    Architect
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