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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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The $252,000,000 Man

Last week, free-agent shortstop Alex Rodriguez signed the richest contract in sports history, a 10-year, $252 million deal with the Texas Rangers. What do you think?
  • "Boy, when that state isn't busy putting Hispanics to death, it's paying them ridiculous sums to run around a baseball field. Is there no in-between?"

    Eleanor Jeffries Reference Librarian
  • "It's outrageous that the Rangers signed this guy for $252 million. Only the Yankees should get to do that."

    Brandon Wiley Security Guard
  • "As a Texas Rangers front-office official, I'm extremely excited to have Rodriguez on board--in a nauseous, tight-chested kind of way."

    Bruce Dickerson Baseball Executive
  • "Sure, a quarter of a billion dollars is a lot of money, but we are talking about a guy with a career .374 on-base percentage here."

    Vanessa Simon Teacher
  • "I'm so psyched to see A-Rod play for my beloved Rangers, I've already started saving up for a $135 bleacher seat."

    Dan Agarawal Bricklayer
  • "Just think: He makes more than all the other Rodriguezes in Texas combined."

    Randall Keith Systems Analyst
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