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The $252,000,000 Man

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

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The $252,000,000 Man

Last week, free-agent shortstop Alex Rodriguez signed the richest contract in sports history, a 10-year, $252 million deal with the Texas Rangers. What do you think?
  • "Boy, when that state isn't busy putting Hispanics to death, it's paying them ridiculous sums to run around a baseball field. Is there no in-between?"

    Eleanor Jeffries Reference Librarian
  • "It's outrageous that the Rangers signed this guy for $252 million. Only the Yankees should get to do that."

    Brandon Wiley Security Guard
  • "As a Texas Rangers front-office official, I'm extremely excited to have Rodriguez on board--in a nauseous, tight-chested kind of way."

    Bruce Dickerson Baseball Executive
  • "Sure, a quarter of a billion dollars is a lot of money, but we are talking about a guy with a career .374 on-base percentage here."

    Vanessa Simon Teacher
  • "I'm so psyched to see A-Rod play for my beloved Rangers, I've already started saving up for a $135 bleacher seat."

    Dan Agarawal Bricklayer
  • "Just think: He makes more than all the other Rodriguezes in Texas combined."

    Randall Keith Systems Analyst

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