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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Biggest Announcements From E3

Each June, E3, or The Electronic Entertainment Expo, hosts game developers showing off their latest products. Here are this year’s most exciting announcements:

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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The $252,000,000 Man

Last week, free-agent shortstop Alex Rodriguez signed the richest contract in sports history, a 10-year, $252 million deal with the Texas Rangers. What do you think?
  • "Boy, when that state isn't busy putting Hispanics to death, it's paying them ridiculous sums to run around a baseball field. Is there no in-between?"

    Eleanor Jeffries Reference Librarian
  • "It's outrageous that the Rangers signed this guy for $252 million. Only the Yankees should get to do that."

    Brandon Wiley Security Guard
  • "As a Texas Rangers front-office official, I'm extremely excited to have Rodriguez on board--in a nauseous, tight-chested kind of way."

    Bruce Dickerson Baseball Executive
  • "Sure, a quarter of a billion dollars is a lot of money, but we are talking about a guy with a career .374 on-base percentage here."

    Vanessa Simon Teacher
  • "I'm so psyched to see A-Rod play for my beloved Rangers, I've already started saving up for a $135 bleacher seat."

    Dan Agarawal Bricklayer
  • "Just think: He makes more than all the other Rodriguezes in Texas combined."

    Randall Keith Systems Analyst

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