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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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The $252,000,000 Man

Last week, free-agent shortstop Alex Rodriguez signed the richest contract in sports history, a 10-year, $252 million deal with the Texas Rangers. What do you think?
  • "Boy, when that state isn't busy putting Hispanics to death, it's paying them ridiculous sums to run around a baseball field. Is there no in-between?"

    Eleanor Jeffries Reference Librarian
  • "It's outrageous that the Rangers signed this guy for $252 million. Only the Yankees should get to do that."

    Brandon Wiley Security Guard
  • "As a Texas Rangers front-office official, I'm extremely excited to have Rodriguez on board--in a nauseous, tight-chested kind of way."

    Bruce Dickerson Baseball Executive
  • "Sure, a quarter of a billion dollars is a lot of money, but we are talking about a guy with a career .374 on-base percentage here."

    Vanessa Simon Teacher
  • "I'm so psyched to see A-Rod play for my beloved Rangers, I've already started saving up for a $135 bleacher seat."

    Dan Agarawal Bricklayer
  • "Just think: He makes more than all the other Rodriguezes in Texas combined."

    Randall Keith Systems Analyst

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