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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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The 9/11 Panel Report

The 9/11 Commission's final report, released last week, cited many failures on the part of the U.S. government. What do you think?
  • "I read the whole report cover to cover. Turns out it was terrorists."

    Laurie Fredette Ticket Taker
  • "Osama, Osama, Osama! Can't we have a commission about something nice for a change?"

    Matthew Dort Coach
  • "I'm glad it's over. The way that investigation was dragging on, I was almost beginning to wish that 9/11 had never even happened."

    Ralph Gagliano Anesthesiologist
  • "I wrote a report about 8/20 that I think you should read. It's called My Birthday And What I Want For It."

    Joseph Jones Deliveryman
  • "Great timing! I just finished Bergdorf Blondes, and I've been looking for another good beach read."

    Karen Farr Secretary
  • "Eh, the whole thing is pretty tame. Now, Ken Starr—there was a man who could write a juicy report."

    Jeffery Koeshal Systems Analyst

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