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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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The 9/11 Panel Report

The 9/11 Commission's final report, released last week, cited many failures on the part of the U.S. government. What do you think?
  • "I read the whole report cover to cover. Turns out it was terrorists."

    Laurie Fredette Ticket Taker
  • "Osama, Osama, Osama! Can't we have a commission about something nice for a change?"

    Matthew Dort Coach
  • "I'm glad it's over. The way that investigation was dragging on, I was almost beginning to wish that 9/11 had never even happened."

    Ralph Gagliano Anesthesiologist
  • "I wrote a report about 8/20 that I think you should read. It's called My Birthday And What I Want For It."

    Joseph Jones Deliveryman
  • "Great timing! I just finished Bergdorf Blondes, and I've been looking for another good beach read."

    Karen Farr Secretary
  • "Eh, the whole thing is pretty tame. Now, Ken Starr—there was a man who could write a juicy report."

    Jeffery Koeshal Systems Analyst

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