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The 9/11 Panel Report

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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The 9/11 Panel Report

The 9/11 Commission's final report, released last week, cited many failures on the part of the U.S. government. What do you think?
  • "I read the whole report cover to cover. Turns out it was terrorists."

    Laurie Fredette Ticket Taker
  • "Osama, Osama, Osama! Can't we have a commission about something nice for a change?"

    Matthew Dort Coach
  • "I'm glad it's over. The way that investigation was dragging on, I was almost beginning to wish that 9/11 had never even happened."

    Ralph Gagliano Anesthesiologist
  • "I wrote a report about 8/20 that I think you should read. It's called My Birthday And What I Want For It."

    Joseph Jones Deliveryman
  • "Great timing! I just finished Bergdorf Blondes, and I've been looking for another good beach read."

    Karen Farr Secretary
  • "Eh, the whole thing is pretty tame. Now, Ken Starr—there was a man who could write a juicy report."

    Jeffery Koeshal Systems Analyst

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