Supreme Court

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...
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The Affirmative-Action Decision

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the right of universities to keep admissions policies that incorporate race largely intact. What do you think?
  • "Who is the Supreme Court to say what is right and what is wrong?"

    Patrick Semple Architect
  • "I'm not surprised. Have you seen who's on that court? A black, a coupla women, a Catholic, and at least two homos."

    Don Brophy Auto Mechanic
  • "Universities need to be diverse in many ways. For example, I think I'd make a great token stupid person."

    Matty Lewis Cashier
  • "I dated a black guy once. I just wanted to say that."

    Michelle Ardmore Waitress
  • "If you teach a man to fish, he'll fish for a lifetime. So I hope these schools are teaching fishing."

    Donna Gordon Speech Therapist
  • "Shit. You know what this means? It's going to be a week of, 'So, did you hear about the affirmative-action ruling?' at work."

    Craig Anderson Systems Analyst

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