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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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The Al-Qaeda Captives

U.S. leaders are divided over whether al-Qaeda detainees in Cuba should be classified as POWs and protected under Geneva Convention laws. What do you think?
  • "Goddammit, just when we finally get some prisoners, everybody wants us to be all nice to them."

    Roger Koss File Clerk
  • "I have to admit, it's funny the way those Marines had them bowing twice a day in the direction of Oscar Mayer world headquarters."

    Donald Matthews Architect
  • "This is a totally different situation. Those Geneva Convention laws were written back when we were fighting white people."

    Bruce Nowell Systems Analyst
  • "Geneva Convention, Schmeneva Convention. Refute that, if you possess the erudition."

    Marcus Moore Landscaper
  • "We need to rough up these al-Qaeda guys a little if we're ever going to get them to confess who the one true God is."

    Diana George Homemaker
  • "I don't think we should risk making martyrs of these men. Notice I said 'martyrs,' not 'quadriplegics.'"

    Danielle Lund Florist

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