The Al-Qaeda Captives

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
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The Al-Qaeda Captives

U.S. leaders are divided over whether al-Qaeda detainees in Cuba should be classified as POWs and protected under Geneva Convention laws. What do you think?
  • "Goddammit, just when we finally get some prisoners, everybody wants us to be all nice to them."

    Roger Koss
    File Clerk
  • "I have to admit, it's funny the way those Marines had them bowing twice a day in the direction of Oscar Mayer world headquarters."

    Donald Matthews
    Architect
  • "This is a totally different situation. Those Geneva Convention laws were written back when we were fighting white people."

    Bruce Nowell
    Systems Analyst
  • "Geneva Convention, Schmeneva Convention. Refute that, if you possess the erudition."

    Marcus Moore
    Landscaper
  • "We need to rough up these al-Qaeda guys a little if we're ever going to get them to confess who the one true God is."

    Diana George
    Homemaker
  • "I don't think we should risk making martyrs of these men. Notice I said 'martyrs,' not 'quadriplegics.'"

    Danielle Lund
    Florist