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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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The Al-Qaeda Captives

U.S. leaders are divided over whether al-Qaeda detainees in Cuba should be classified as POWs and protected under Geneva Convention laws. What do you think?
  • "Goddammit, just when we finally get some prisoners, everybody wants us to be all nice to them."

    Roger Koss File Clerk
  • "I have to admit, it's funny the way those Marines had them bowing twice a day in the direction of Oscar Mayer world headquarters."

    Donald Matthews Architect
  • "This is a totally different situation. Those Geneva Convention laws were written back when we were fighting white people."

    Bruce Nowell Systems Analyst
  • "Geneva Convention, Schmeneva Convention. Refute that, if you possess the erudition."

    Marcus Moore Landscaper
  • "We need to rough up these al-Qaeda guys a little if we're ever going to get them to confess who the one true God is."

    Diana George Homemaker
  • "I don't think we should risk making martyrs of these men. Notice I said 'martyrs,' not 'quadriplegics.'"

    Danielle Lund Florist
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