After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

The Andrea Yates Trial

Andrea Yates, on trial for the drowning of her five children in the bathtub of their Houston home, has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. What do you think?
  • "This poor woman lost five children. Hasn't she suffered enough?"

    Rhonda Rowe Homemaker
  • "This is just a sad case of someone letting their child-killing impulses get out of control."

    Bill Jackson Systems Analyst
  • "You know, a high percentage of child fatalities in the home occur in the bathtub. Who's to say the statistics didn't catch up to her all at once?"

    Maxwell Bosch Lawyer
  • "Yates killed not one, but five children? Wow, they certainly do do everything bigger in Texas."

    Bob Putnam File Clerk
  • "I can't shake the feeling that four or five years from now, we're in for the creepiest fucking Oprah guest ever."

    Denise Pflaum Nurse
  • "The jury should declare Andrea Yates guilty by reason of drowning five children in a bathtub."

    Milton Oberst Cashier

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.