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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The Anti-Abortion Campaign

Bush's signing of the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act was a political triumph for the movement to curtail abortions in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "They've got God on their side. All we've got is science and reason."

    Dawn Hulsey Talent Director
  • "Is it just me, or have national politics been sorta veering to the right a little since Bush was elected?"

    Todd Delrio Painter
  • "Before I make a decision on abortion, I'll have to review the made-for-TV movies on the topic."

    Johnny Baron Order Filler
  • "Why can't more American women be like Jessica Lynch? What do you mean, what do I mean?"

    Frank Eldridge Systems Analyst
  • "I don't think that people should play God—unless it's in a cute way, in a Sunday-school gymnasium."

    Lillian Knighton Mathematician
  • "As an investor in back-alley real estate and wire-hanger futures, I say, 'Whoo-hoo!'"

    Phillip Krantz Investor

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