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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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The Anti-Abortion Campaign

Bush's signing of the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act was a political triumph for the movement to curtail abortions in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "They've got God on their side. All we've got is science and reason."

    Dawn Hulsey Talent Director
  • "Is it just me, or have national politics been sorta veering to the right a little since Bush was elected?"

    Todd Delrio Painter
  • "Before I make a decision on abortion, I'll have to review the made-for-TV movies on the topic."

    Johnny Baron Order Filler
  • "Why can't more American women be like Jessica Lynch? What do you mean, what do I mean?"

    Frank Eldridge Systems Analyst
  • "I don't think that people should play God—unless it's in a cute way, in a Sunday-school gymnasium."

    Lillian Knighton Mathematician
  • "As an investor in back-alley real estate and wire-hanger futures, I say, 'Whoo-hoo!'"

    Phillip Krantz Investor

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