The Anti-Abortion Campaign

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

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The Anti-Abortion Campaign

Bush's signing of the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act was a political triumph for the movement to curtail abortions in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "They've got God on their side. All we've got is science and reason."

    Dawn Hulsey
    Talent Director
  • "Is it just me, or have national politics been sorta veering to the right a little since Bush was elected?"

    Todd Delrio
    Painter
  • "Before I make a decision on abortion, I'll have to review the made-for-TV movies on the topic."

    Johnny Baron
    Order Filler
  • "Why can't more American women be like Jessica Lynch? What do you mean, what do I mean?"

    Frank Eldridge
    Systems Analyst
  • "I don't think that people should play God—unless it's in a cute way, in a Sunday-school gymnasium."

    Lillian Knighton
    Mathematician
  • "As an investor in back-alley real estate and wire-hanger futures, I say, 'Whoo-hoo!'"

    Phillip Krantz
    Investor
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