adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Anti-SUV Movement

Decried as gas-guzzling road hazards, SUVs are also under fire for supporting terrorism by increasing U.S. dependence on Mideast oil. What do you think?
  • "But what if I need my SUV for sporting or utilitating?"

    Carl Davis Roofer
  • "I'm sorry, but I simply don't buy your argument that SUVs indirectly put my dollars into the hands of al-Qaeda via the Saudis. My Explorer is so comfortable!"

    Christine Watros Homemaker
  • "Yes, the average U.S. automobile has doubled in weight since 1990, but so has the average U.S. citizen."

    Amy Benton Teacher
  • "I just feel bad for the SUVs, forced to live all cooped up in the city like that."

    Franklin Lowe Systems Analyst
  • "Yesterday, I flipped off a guy who was driving an SUV. See, I'm doing my part to save the world."

    David Orr Custodian
  • "My purchase of a Hummer was inspired by our 1991 Gulf War victory. After this war, I'm buying an aircraft carrier."

    John Kelleher Lawyer

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close