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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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The Anti-SUV Movement

Decried as gas-guzzling road hazards, SUVs are also under fire for supporting terrorism by increasing U.S. dependence on Mideast oil. What do you think?
  • "But what if I need my SUV for sporting or utilitating?"

    Carl Davis Roofer
  • "I'm sorry, but I simply don't buy your argument that SUVs indirectly put my dollars into the hands of al-Qaeda via the Saudis. My Explorer is so comfortable!"

    Christine Watros Homemaker
  • "Yes, the average U.S. automobile has doubled in weight since 1990, but so has the average U.S. citizen."

    Amy Benton Teacher
  • "I just feel bad for the SUVs, forced to live all cooped up in the city like that."

    Franklin Lowe Systems Analyst
  • "Yesterday, I flipped off a guy who was driving an SUV. See, I'm doing my part to save the world."

    David Orr Custodian
  • "My purchase of a Hummer was inspired by our 1991 Gulf War victory. After this war, I'm buying an aircraft carrier."

    John Kelleher Lawyer

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