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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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The Arrival Of Digital Television

Digital television is being touted as the next big big breakthrough in home-entertainment technology, offering viewers hundreds of channels without a satellite dish. What do you think?
  • "Great! Now I can have CD-quality sound and a crystal-clear picture for my SeaQuest reruns."

    Victor Ryan Legal Secretary
  • "Speaking of which, don't go into the bathroom. I just laid some high-quality cable of my own in there."

    Robert Thon Salesman
  • "I have long wondered what treasures lie beyond Channel 117, and soon I shall find out."

    Marci Howe Violinist
  • "If I don't need a roof-mounted satellite dish any more, how will my neighbors know that I have 300 channels?"

    Matt Cedeño Caterer
  • "It's about time. There hasn't been a major technological advance in this country in weeks."

    Christine Cruz Systems Analyst
  • "I liked TV better back when there were only a couple of channels, and you had to watch Barney Miller."

    Stephen Richard Electrician

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