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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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The Arrival Of Digital Television

Digital television is being touted as the next big big breakthrough in home-entertainment technology, offering viewers hundreds of channels without a satellite dish. What do you think?
  • "Great! Now I can have CD-quality sound and a crystal-clear picture for my SeaQuest reruns."

    Victor Ryan Legal Secretary
  • "Speaking of which, don't go into the bathroom. I just laid some high-quality cable of my own in there."

    Robert Thon Salesman
  • "I have long wondered what treasures lie beyond Channel 117, and soon I shall find out."

    Marci Howe Violinist
  • "If I don't need a roof-mounted satellite dish any more, how will my neighbors know that I have 300 channels?"

    Matt Cedeño Caterer
  • "It's about time. There hasn't been a major technological advance in this country in weeks."

    Christine Cruz Systems Analyst
  • "I liked TV better back when there were only a couple of channels, and you had to watch Barney Miller."

    Stephen Richard Electrician
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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