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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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The Axis Of Evil

President Bush's State of the Union pronouncement that North Korea, Iran, and Iraq represent an "Axis of Evil" continues to spark debate. What do you think?
  • "These 'Axis of Evil' nations are no more a threat than Libya, Syria, Cuba, Egypt, Pakistan, China, Saudi Arabia, or the Sudan. We've got nothing to worry about."

    Ellen Demuth Physical Therapist
  • "I strongly feel that our conflict with the Axis of Evil should not be settled on the battlefield, but in the pro-wrestling ring."

    John Yancey Systems Analyst
  • "Perhaps air-dropping food on these countries we just pissed off might help ease tensions."

    Rich Hoegert Claims Processor
  • "We should not try to stop the access of Evel. That man is a national treasure and should be allowed to move freely in whatever stadiums or canyon gorges he likes."

    Aimee Chambers Student
  • "Calling Iran part of an 'Axis of Evil' may cause average Americans to lump moderates like Mohammad Khatami in with extremists like Ali Khamenei and Hashemi Rafsanjami."

    Rob Russell Pool Cleaner
  • "Aw, shit, not another Axis. That last one kicked our asses."

    Anderson King Attorney

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