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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The Axis Of Evil

President Bush's State of the Union pronouncement that North Korea, Iran, and Iraq represent an "Axis of Evil" continues to spark debate. What do you think?
  • "These 'Axis of Evil' nations are no more a threat than Libya, Syria, Cuba, Egypt, Pakistan, China, Saudi Arabia, or the Sudan. We've got nothing to worry about."

    Ellen Demuth Physical Therapist
  • "I strongly feel that our conflict with the Axis of Evil should not be settled on the battlefield, but in the pro-wrestling ring."

    John Yancey Systems Analyst
  • "Perhaps air-dropping food on these countries we just pissed off might help ease tensions."

    Rich Hoegert Claims Processor
  • "We should not try to stop the access of Evel. That man is a national treasure and should be allowed to move freely in whatever stadiums or canyon gorges he likes."

    Aimee Chambers Student
  • "Calling Iran part of an 'Axis of Evil' may cause average Americans to lump moderates like Mohammad Khatami in with extremists like Ali Khamenei and Hashemi Rafsanjami."

    Rob Russell Pool Cleaner
  • "Aw, shit, not another Axis. That last one kicked our asses."

    Anderson King Attorney

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