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Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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The Bank Of Wal-Mart

The Treasury Department recently issued a new $1 Sacajawea coin, which is only available at banks and Wal-Mart. What do you think about the government making Wal-Mart an exclusive outlet for U.S. currency?
  • "That's convenient for me, because there's a Wal-Mart right near the Burger King where I pick up my mail."

    Tom Reuschel Systems Analyst
  • "This streamlines the circulation process by starting off U.S. currency in the place it's all eventually spent."

    Marlon Witherspoon School Psychologist
  • "It seems appropriate, as Sacajawea was instrumental in opening up the West to competition-crushing retail chain stores."

    George Giroux Auto Mechanic
  • "I just got the exact same Sacajawea coin over at Target for 89 cents."

    Danielle Voss Homemaker
  • "Wal-Mart's selling Sacajawea coins? Say, that reminds me, I need a new answering machine and some garbage bags."

    Tina Ormond Architect
  • "What better way to honor this great Native American than to restrict her movement to a handful of small, white-controlled locations?"

    Omar Sandiq Landscaper

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