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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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The Bin Laden Audiotape

Last week, al-Jazeera aired an audiotape purportedly of Osama bin Laden praising the Sept. 11 attacks. What do you think about the possibility that bin Laden is alive?
  • "I have my suspicions that this tape is older than al-Jazeera claims, mostly because of the way bin Laden peppers his speech with 'fer sure' and 'tubular.'"

    Linda Kingery Librarian
  • "Hell, that could be anyone's voice. Even I can do bin Laden... 'Oh, yes, I very much like to blow up the buildings, sir.' No, you sound Indian."

    Todd Buhner Landscaper
  • "Bin Laden... alive? It's a Christmastime miracle!"

    Bill Cotto Electrical <br>Engineer
  • "You mean our bombing the crap out of Afghanistan and threatening war with Iraq hasn't softened his anti-American stance? That can't be right."

    Glenda <br>Langston Podiatrist
  • "Hey, I'm way ahead of you. I know this place down on Canal Street that had bootleg copies of the tape a week before al-Jazeera."

    Bob Bankhead Bus Driver
  • "I don't know which is more terrifying—that bin Laden is still alive or that al-Qaeda may be in cahoots with Rich 'Man Of A Thousand Voices' Little."

    George Brantley Systems <br>Analyst

More from this section

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

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