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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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'The Blind Side' An Unexpected Hit

The Blind Side, a drama in which Sandra Bullock takes in and tutors a future all-American offensive tackle, has smashed box office expectations to become a blockbuster hit. What do you think?
  • "I hear there are some icky racial overtones in the movie, but that's just the kind of crazy awkward situation that only a Sandra Bullock character could find love in."

    Lacey Rimbaud Museum Exhibit Builder
  • "If Meryl Streep or Jodie Foster had taken that kid under her wing, he'd have some Super Bowl rings with the Steelers instead of wasting time with the Baltimore Ravens."

    Jeff James Absorption Operator
  • "In that case, maybe I should see it. I'm a huge fan of movies that gross more than $120 million domestically."

    Baxter Roedelius Systems Analyst
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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