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The Boy Scout Crackdown

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God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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The Boy Scout Crackdown

In a controversial decision, the California Supreme Court recently upheld the Boy Scouts Of America's right to ban homosexuals from its ranks, as either scouts or Scoutmasters. What do you think?
  • "Wrestling in the woods, rubbing down my fellow scouts with calamine lotion, packing six into a tent... I loved scouting, and I'm sure glad it won't be tainted by homosexuals."

    Mitchell Tanner Construction Worker
  • "It's terrible that they would kick a kid out of the Scouts for being gay. They should tie him to a tree and beat the shit out of him."

    Suzanne Parker Telemarketer
  • "I guess my 'Gag-Reflex Suppression' merit badge is pretty useless now."

    Isaac Foli Systems Analyst
  • "This sidesteps the real issue: With the Cold War long over, does the U.S. really need to continue to maintain the world's largest standing Boy Scout force?"

    Risa Stargell Teacher
  • "As long as the Girl Scouts are straight, that's all that matters: No way I'm buying Do-si-dos from a lesbo."

    Todd Easler Speech Pathologist
  • "All those kids who find themselves kicked out of conventional scouting are free to attend my first annual North American Man-Boy Scouting Association Camporee. Bring your trunks!"

    George Tekulve Postal Worker

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