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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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The Boy Scout Crackdown

In a controversial decision, the California Supreme Court recently upheld the Boy Scouts Of America's right to ban homosexuals from its ranks, as either scouts or Scoutmasters. What do you think?
  • "Wrestling in the woods, rubbing down my fellow scouts with calamine lotion, packing six into a tent... I loved scouting, and I'm sure glad it won't be tainted by homosexuals."

    Mitchell Tanner Construction Worker
  • "It's terrible that they would kick a kid out of the Scouts for being gay. They should tie him to a tree and beat the shit out of him."

    Suzanne Parker Telemarketer
  • "I guess my 'Gag-Reflex Suppression' merit badge is pretty useless now."

    Isaac Foli Systems Analyst
  • "This sidesteps the real issue: With the Cold War long over, does the U.S. really need to continue to maintain the world's largest standing Boy Scout force?"

    Risa Stargell Teacher
  • "As long as the Girl Scouts are straight, that's all that matters: No way I'm buying Do-si-dos from a lesbo."

    Todd Easler Speech Pathologist
  • "All those kids who find themselves kicked out of conventional scouting are free to attend my first annual North American Man-Boy Scouting Association Camporee. Bring your trunks!"

    George Tekulve Postal Worker

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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