The Boy Scout Crackdown

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

The Boy Scout Crackdown

In a controversial decision, the California Supreme Court recently upheld the Boy Scouts Of America's right to ban homosexuals from its ranks, as either scouts or Scoutmasters. What do you think?
  • "Wrestling in the woods, rubbing down my fellow scouts with calamine lotion, packing six into a tent... I loved scouting, and I'm sure glad it won't be tainted by homosexuals."

    Mitchell Tanner
    Construction Worker
  • "It's terrible that they would kick a kid out of the Scouts for being gay. They should tie him to a tree and beat the shit out of him."

    Suzanne Parker
  • "I guess my 'Gag-Reflex Suppression' merit badge is pretty useless now."

    Isaac Foli
    Systems Analyst
  • "This sidesteps the real issue: With the Cold War long over, does the U.S. really need to continue to maintain the world's largest standing Boy Scout force?"

    Risa Stargell
  • "As long as the Girl Scouts are straight, that's all that matters: No way I'm buying Do-si-dos from a lesbo."

    Todd Easler
    Speech Pathologist
  • "All those kids who find themselves kicked out of conventional scouting are free to attend my first annual North American Man-Boy Scouting Association Camporee. Bring your trunks!"

    George Tekulve
    Postal Worker