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The Boy Scout Crackdown

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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The Boy Scout Crackdown

In a controversial decision, the California Supreme Court recently upheld the Boy Scouts Of America's right to ban homosexuals from its ranks, as either scouts or Scoutmasters. What do you think?
  • "Wrestling in the woods, rubbing down my fellow scouts with calamine lotion, packing six into a tent... I loved scouting, and I'm sure glad it won't be tainted by homosexuals."

    Mitchell Tanner
    Construction Worker
  • "It's terrible that they would kick a kid out of the Scouts for being gay. They should tie him to a tree and beat the shit out of him."

    Suzanne Parker
    Telemarketer
  • "I guess my 'Gag-Reflex Suppression' merit badge is pretty useless now."

    Isaac Foli
    Systems Analyst
  • "This sidesteps the real issue: With the Cold War long over, does the U.S. really need to continue to maintain the world's largest standing Boy Scout force?"

    Risa Stargell
    Teacher
  • "As long as the Girl Scouts are straight, that's all that matters: No way I'm buying Do-si-dos from a lesbo."

    Todd Easler
    Speech Pathologist
  • "All those kids who find themselves kicked out of conventional scouting are free to attend my first annual North American Man-Boy Scouting Association Camporee. Bring your trunks!"

    George Tekulve
    Postal Worker

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