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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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The Budget Surplus

The 1998 fiscal year ended with a federal budget surplus of $70 billion, the first surplus in three decades. What do you think?
  • "We must've gotten all that money when we stopped buying those $3,000 hammers."

    Christopher Meacham Delivery Driver
  • "I propose that a gold-doubloon-filled national vault be built in which all U.S. citizens may frolic and shout 'I'm rich! I'm rich!'"

    Suzanne Gamble Potter
  • "This is great. Now we can finally pay off .0000002 percent of the interest on the national debt."

    Meredith Wynegar Mechanical Engineer
  • "Imagine that–all this happening right before an election. What luck."

    Jim Nettles Science Teacher
  • "Seventy billion might seem like a lot but just wait until the government finds out how much tax it'll have to pay on it."

    Rick Randolph Systems Analyst
  • "Do you think we should put that money toward bailing out our bankrupt Social Security system? Me neither. PlayStations for all!"

    Eric Milbourne Student

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