The Budget Surplus

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 11

Chicken Killed

WAYCROSS, GA—In a grisly murder that has stunned residents, the gutted remains of a local chicken were found in a dumpster.

Just Call Me Jean The Football Widow!

With fall coming, that can only mean two things: time to put up the Halloween decorations, and football weekends. And guess which one hubby Rick loves and I hate! Rick sits in front of that TV for so long, cobwebs form around him! Meanwhile, who gets to do the grocery shopping, the cleaning, and the laundry? You guessed it–old Jean the football widow herself!

Huge Animal Jumps Right Fucking Out In Front Of Area Man

MOORHEAD, MN–Moorhead resident Carl Perry damn near shit himself Monday, when a big-ass animal jumped right the fuck out in front of his Chevy pick-up. According to reports, the 41-year-old Perry was driving on Highway C to Ed's Tavern when the huge fucking thing jumped right the fuck out in front of him from out of nowhere. Though the animal, described by witnesses as a big-old son of a bitch with these weird-looking horns, jumped clear of the vehicle before collision, the fuck was scared out of Perry.

Night Watchman Keeps Leno Under Close Surveillance

DUNCANVILLE, TX–Ray Shymanski, a night watchman at a Duncanville auto-parts warehouse, has been keeping an extra-close eye out for Tonight Show host Jay Leno, it was learned Tuesday. For nearly two months, Shymanski has not let Leno out of his sight, following him closely on a five-inch portable monitor he brings to work each night. "What Mr. Leno says, I will hear. What he does, I will see," the determined Shymanski said. "Leno will not leave my sight at any time, even if I have to wait for commercial breaks to go to the bathroom." Shymanski, also known for his close observation of Conan O'Brien and Tom Snyder, said that Leno will continue to be singled out. "Leno had better not try anything funny," he warned ominously.

Suburbanite Saved From Certain Poisoning By Brita Filter

SYOSSET, NY–Long Island homemaker Judith Weiss narrowly escaped poisoning Tuesday when her tap water was purified by her Brita Water Filtration System. "If not for this Brita filter, I would have died," a shaken Weiss said after drinking a glass of filtered water. "My water was filled with lead, copper, and other dangerous impurities, but this filter intercepted them just in time." In addition to saving the lives of Weiss and her family, the heroic filter also improved the water's taste and odor through its patented chlorine-removal system.

Custody Battle Sparks Couple's First-Ever Interest In Child

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO–Area 8-year-old Danny Rasmussen is enjoying the attention of his parents for the first time ever, thanks to a bitter custody battle, it was reported Monday. "I sure as hell ain't letting Denice get the kid," father Larry Rasmussen said. "She got the house and the car, so I've got to keep something from that bitch." Denice Rasmussen expressed a similar determination. "I'll do whatever it takes to deny Larry custody," she said. "I'll even take that kid out and buy him whatever he wants." Danny, unaccustomed to being prioritized by his parents, is rejoicing over his newfound importance in their lives. "This means that they love me," he said.

Taco Bell's Five Ingredients Combined In Totally New Way

LOUISVILLE, KY–With great fanfare Monday, Taco Bell unveiled the Grandito, an exciting new permutation of refried beans, ground beef, cheddar cheese, lettuce, and a corn tortilla. "You've never tasted Taco Bell's five ingredients combined quite like this," Taco Bell CEO Walter Berenyi said. "The revolutionary new Grandito, with its ground beef on top of the cheese but under the beans, is configured unlike anything you've ever eaten here at Taco Bell." The fast-food chain made waves earlier this year with its introduction of the Zestito, in which the beans are on top of the lettuce, and the Mexiwrap, in which the tortilla is slightly more oblong.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

The Budget Surplus

The 1998 fiscal year ended with a federal budget surplus of $70 billion, the first surplus in three decades. What do you think?
  • "We must've gotten all that money when we stopped buying those $3,000 hammers."

    Christopher Meacham
    Delivery Driver
  • "I propose that a gold-doubloon-filled national vault be built in which all U.S. citizens may frolic and shout 'I'm rich! I'm rich!'"

    Suzanne Gamble
    Potter
  • "This is great. Now we can finally pay off .0000002 percent of the interest on the national debt."

    Meredith Wynegar
    Mechanical Engineer
  • "Imagine that–all this happening right before an election. What luck."

    Jim Nettles
    Science Teacher
  • "Seventy billion might seem like a lot but just wait until the government finds out how much tax it'll have to pay on it."

    Rick Randolph
    Systems Analyst
  • "Do you think we should put that money toward bailing out our bankrupt Social Security system? Me neither. PlayStations for all!"

    Eric Milbourne
    Student
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More