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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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The California Blackouts

A state of emergency has been declared in California, where massive power shortages have necessitated cutting off electricity through much of the state. What do you think about the crisis?
  • "Why don't they just hook the state up to the mega-watt star power of Hollywood's Charlize Theron? That blonde bombshell positively crackles with electricity."

    Michael Dupree Systems Analyst
  • "Well, there's only one thing to be done. Nevada, Arizona: Give California all your power. Come on, it's not like you matter as much."

    Ken Brandt Bond Trader
  • "It's all a sad lesson in the dangers of short-sightedness in civic planning. But the important question is: When should we commence looting?"

    Randy Toth Painter
  • "I'm sure the people of California will band together to get through this. Then they'll form a tofu cult."

    Fred Nouri Landscaper
  • "Gee, I hope San Francisco doesn't have to turn off its big fog machine."

    Adrienne Berner Homemaker
  • "Didn't California slide into the ocean yet? Can we find a way to speed that up?'

    Donna Rutt Teacher

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