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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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The California Blackouts

A state of emergency has been declared in California, where massive power shortages have necessitated cutting off electricity through much of the state. What do you think about the crisis?
  • "Why don't they just hook the state up to the mega-watt star power of Hollywood's Charlize Theron? That blonde bombshell positively crackles with electricity."

    Michael Dupree Systems Analyst
  • "Well, there's only one thing to be done. Nevada, Arizona: Give California all your power. Come on, it's not like you matter as much."

    Ken Brandt Bond Trader
  • "It's all a sad lesson in the dangers of short-sightedness in civic planning. But the important question is: When should we commence looting?"

    Randy Toth Painter
  • "I'm sure the people of California will band together to get through this. Then they'll form a tofu cult."

    Fred Nouri Landscaper
  • "Gee, I hope San Francisco doesn't have to turn off its big fog machine."

    Adrienne Berner Homemaker
  • "Didn't California slide into the ocean yet? Can we find a way to speed that up?'

    Donna Rutt Teacher
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