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The California Blackouts

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Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.
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The California Blackouts

A state of emergency has been declared in California, where massive power shortages have necessitated cutting off electricity through much of the state. What do you think about the crisis?
  • "Why don't they just hook the state up to the mega-watt star power of Hollywood's Charlize Theron? That blonde bombshell positively crackles with electricity."

    Michael Dupree
    Systems Analyst
  • "Well, there's only one thing to be done. Nevada, Arizona: Give California all your power. Come on, it's not like you matter as much."

    Ken Brandt
    Bond Trader
  • "It's all a sad lesson in the dangers of short-sightedness in civic planning. But the important question is: When should we commence looting?"

    Randy Toth
    Painter
  • "I'm sure the people of California will band together to get through this. Then they'll form a tofu cult."

    Fred Nouri
    Landscaper
  • "Gee, I hope San Francisco doesn't have to turn off its big fog machine."

    Adrienne Berner
    Homemaker
  • "Didn't California slide into the ocean yet? Can we find a way to speed that up?'

    Donna Rutt
    Teacher

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