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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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The Candidate And Cocaine

Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush continues to dodge questions about whether he has ever used cocaine or other illegal drugs. What do you think?
  • "Bush is a good man, and I'm sure he wouldn't have done drugs unless he absolutely had to."

    Wayne Caldwell Systems Analyst
  • "He had access to cocaine? Man, I wish my dad was head of the CIA."

    Paul Stankiewicz Meat Cutter
  • "This is the sort of thing that could cause America to lose faith in the privileged sons of the rich and powerful."

    Linda Atkinson Commercial Artist
  • "A candidate who did drugs? I'm voting for him. He's sure to kick all the fat cats out of office and rule with groovy peace vibes."

    Randy Hart Welder
  • "I can't believe the media is making such a big deal out of this utter non-issue. When I was hanging with George back in the '70s, we did lots worse stuff than that, believe me."

    Steve<br>Loomi Mathematician
  • "I just don't understand. He had the whole world at his feet. Why would he want to party on drugs?"

    Margot Penny Insurance Agent

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