adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Candidate And Cocaine

Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush continues to dodge questions about whether he has ever used cocaine or other illegal drugs. What do you think?
  • "Bush is a good man, and I'm sure he wouldn't have done drugs unless he absolutely had to."

    Wayne Caldwell Systems Analyst
  • "He had access to cocaine? Man, I wish my dad was head of the CIA."

    Paul Stankiewicz Meat Cutter
  • "This is the sort of thing that could cause America to lose faith in the privileged sons of the rich and powerful."

    Linda Atkinson Commercial Artist
  • "A candidate who did drugs? I'm voting for him. He's sure to kick all the fat cats out of office and rule with groovy peace vibes."

    Randy Hart Welder
  • "I can't believe the media is making such a big deal out of this utter non-issue. When I was hanging with George back in the '70s, we did lots worse stuff than that, believe me."

    Steve<br>Loomi Mathematician
  • "I just don't understand. He had the whole world at his feet. Why would he want to party on drugs?"

    Margot Penny Insurance Agent

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close