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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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The Church Sex Scandal

A growing sex-abuse scandal is engulfing the Catholic Church, with many priests accused of sexually molesting children. What do you think?
  • "Where in the Bible does it forbid someone to pin a 10-year-old behind a large cooler of Kool-Aid in a church basement?"

    Chris Davis Lawyer
  • "Catholic priests are being unfairly singled out as pedophiles. We must not forget the music teachers and hockey coaches."

    Don Lawson File Clerk
  • "This is just secular, liberal-media hysteria over thousands of grade-schoolers getting ass-raped."

    Phil Ormond Cab Driver
  • "Hey, if Abraham was willing to kill his son for God, the least a devout Catholic can do is let his kid get cornholed here and there."

    Paul George Accountant
  • "Wine, candles, incense, frilly little frocks... you can see how it sets a mood."

    Sheila Rutt Systems Analyst
  • "Now that it's out in the open, the healing can begin. Except for the kids."

    Danielle Krug Speech Therapist
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