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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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The Church Sex Scandal

A growing sex-abuse scandal is engulfing the Catholic Church, with many priests accused of sexually molesting children. What do you think?
  • "Where in the Bible does it forbid someone to pin a 10-year-old behind a large cooler of Kool-Aid in a church basement?"

    Chris Davis Lawyer
  • "Catholic priests are being unfairly singled out as pedophiles. We must not forget the music teachers and hockey coaches."

    Don Lawson File Clerk
  • "This is just secular, liberal-media hysteria over thousands of grade-schoolers getting ass-raped."

    Phil Ormond Cab Driver
  • "Hey, if Abraham was willing to kill his son for God, the least a devout Catholic can do is let his kid get cornholed here and there."

    Paul George Accountant
  • "Wine, candles, incense, frilly little frocks... you can see how it sets a mood."

    Sheila Rutt Systems Analyst
  • "Now that it's out in the open, the healing can begin. Except for the kids."

    Danielle Krug Speech Therapist

More from this section

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

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