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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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The Cigarette Tax

Twenty-two states are considering raising cigarette taxes to generate extra revenue, and in New York City, the cost of a pack may reach $7. What do you think?
  • "I think that if these politicians enjoyed a nice, relaxing smoke once in a while, they wouldn't propose such uptight laws."

    Patti Courson Receptionist
  • "The government is such a bunch of suckers. I haven't reported my cigarettes on my taxes once."

    Frederick Purcell Systems Analyst
  • "I don't care if they raise the price, because I'm the guy in the bar who doesn't smoke except when he drinks. Got a cigarette?"

    Todd Kantner Bus Driver
  • "How can I afford smokes now, especially with a baby on the way?"

    Danielle Dawes Waitress
  • "The government has a right to tax unhealthy products because, after all, they pay for health care. What? They don't?"

    Richard McCall Contractor
  • "Well, $7 seems like a reasonable price to pay to calm my shakes and jitters over not having any fucking money."

    Mike Dutler Machinist

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