The Cigarette Tax

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Childish 12-Year-Old Still Believes In Father

HARTFORD, CT—Saying she just assumed he would have figured it out by now, local mother Kathleen Rivers expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that her 12-year-old son, Dylan, still believes in his father.

Obama Returns From Trade Summit With 5 Stout Ships Full Of Cardamom, Silk, And Indigo

WASHINGTON— Exhausted, berimed with salt, and haggard from his long sea journey, but nevertheless triumphant as he guided his fleet to port following the completion of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama is said to have made harbor in Washington, D.C.’s anchorage Monday, his five sturdy galleons choked to the very gunwales with the finest silks, casks of redolent cardamom, and great cakes of vivid dye-of-indigo retrieved from the far Orient.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


The Cigarette Tax

Twenty-two states are considering raising cigarette taxes to generate extra revenue, and in New York City, the cost of a pack may reach $7. What do you think?
  • "I think that if these politicians enjoyed a nice, relaxing smoke once in a while, they wouldn't propose such uptight laws."

    Patti Courson
  • "The government is such a bunch of suckers. I haven't reported my cigarettes on my taxes once."

    Frederick Purcell
    Systems Analyst
  • "I don't care if they raise the price, because I'm the guy in the bar who doesn't smoke except when he drinks. Got a cigarette?"

    Todd Kantner
    Bus Driver
  • "How can I afford smokes now, especially with a baby on the way?"

    Danielle Dawes
  • "The government has a right to tax unhealthy products because, after all, they pay for health care. What? They don't?"

    Richard McCall
  • "Well, $7 seems like a reasonable price to pay to calm my shakes and jitters over not having any fucking money."

    Mike Dutler