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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

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PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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The Cincinnati Riots

Riots erupted in Cincinnati last week following the shooting death of an unarmed black man by police officers. What do you think about the latest such incident?
  • "It's no surprise that these types of situations occur. Our police are overworked and underpaid and mostly really stupid."

    Dianne Chester Piano Teacher
  • "If black people are going to act like animals every time they're treated like animals, racists like me will never respect them."

    Ira Richmond Business Owner
  • "Riots are tragic releases following years of pent-up rage and despair. Unless they occur after a sports championship. Those rule."

    Bob Edmondson Plumber
  • "This is the worst thing to happen in Cincinnati since that radio station dropped all those flightless Thanksgiving turkeys from a helicopter."

    Amil Gopalakian Cashier
  • "I know there's racism, but the police are under a lot of pressure. So the next time a cop is braining me, I'm going to relax, count to 10, and try my best to see his point of view."

    Jerome Barker Systems Analyst
  • "I'm sure that if Cincinnati's blacks and whites just sat down and talked honestly about their feelings, it would combust into violence 10 times worse than those riots."

    Anita Holcomb Speech Therapist

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