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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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The Cincinnati Riots

Riots erupted in Cincinnati last week following the shooting death of an unarmed black man by police officers. What do you think about the latest such incident?
  • "It's no surprise that these types of situations occur. Our police are overworked and underpaid and mostly really stupid."

    Dianne Chester Piano Teacher
  • "If black people are going to act like animals every time they're treated like animals, racists like me will never respect them."

    Ira Richmond Business Owner
  • "Riots are tragic releases following years of pent-up rage and despair. Unless they occur after a sports championship. Those rule."

    Bob Edmondson Plumber
  • "This is the worst thing to happen in Cincinnati since that radio station dropped all those flightless Thanksgiving turkeys from a helicopter."

    Amil Gopalakian Cashier
  • "I know there's racism, but the police are under a lot of pressure. So the next time a cop is braining me, I'm going to relax, count to 10, and try my best to see his point of view."

    Jerome Barker Systems Analyst
  • "I'm sure that if Cincinnati's blacks and whites just sat down and talked honestly about their feelings, it would combust into violence 10 times worse than those riots."

    Anita Holcomb Speech Therapist

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