The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 14

Hotshot Test Pilot Removes Helmet, Reveals Female Status

SHEPPARD AFB, TX–"Corporal Green," an enigmatic but brilliant Air Force test pilot, was revealed to be a woman Monday, when she removed her flight helmet following a trial run of the new AF-50 Shadowhawk, rumored to be "the fastest thing on landing gears." "I was completely flabbergasted to discover that the cocky ace behind those death-defying barrel rolls and devil-may-care canyon strafes was, in fact, a woman–and a gorgeous one at that," Lieut. Col. Thomas Hagerty said. "The flight suits are sufficiently baggy that I never suspected it until she took off the helmet and shook her head, sending her long blonde hair cascading down her back." Hagerty noted that his recent statement that Green "has got solid-brass balls" is now steeped in irony.

New 'Time' To Keep Everything From Happening At Once

CAMBRIDGE, MA–On what is now known as "Monday," a team of MIT scientists unveiled "time," a revolutionary new event-sequencing protocol which organizes phenomena along a four-dimensional axis, preventing everything from taking place at once. "No longer will the extinction of the dinosaurs, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, and the Earth-Xabraxiq Pod Wars all collapse into a single point," theoretical physicist Dr. Lawrence Chang said. "With time, we can now contextualize each of the universe's infinite number of occurrences in its own spatial-temporal plane, creating order where there once was chaos." Added Dr. Erno Toffel: "Using time, one event can be positioned chronologically so as to be the cause of another. For example, a man's death may result in a gun being fired at him. Or the other way around. We're still working out some of the kinks."

Waiter Seriously Needs His Apps

INDEPENDENCE, MO–Twenty minutes after turning in table eight's order, T.G.I.Friday's waiter Eric Porcher announced Monday that he seriously needs his apps. "Still waiting on those apps, guys," Porcher shouted into the kitchen, hoping to spur the grill crew into swifter action on table eight's long-overdue appetizer order of Buffalo chicken strips and Jalapeño Poppers. "My four-top is short on apps." Five minutes later, Porcher added, "Still waiting on those chick strips and Poppers."

Teen Breaks Rules In Socially Accepted Ways

HACIENDA HEIGHTS, CA–Daniel Lindblad, 15, openly flouts societal conventions in a manner that will not get him in trouble, it was reported Monday. "I just got this T-shirt that's got a picture of Charles Manson with the swastika on his forehead," Lindblad said. "It's so fuckin' sick. I always wear a sweatshirt over it when my parents are around–they'd totally kill me if they saw it." Lindblad said he plans to pierce his nose and dye his hair blue this June, "the moment school lets out."

Report: Most Terrorists Do Not Start The Day Off With A Good Breakfast

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND–In a report that is prompting some to rethink the causes of terrorism, the World Health Organization announced Monday that a startling 96 percent of international terrorists do not start off the day with a good breakfast. "Very few of those who use violence to advance their radical agendas enjoy a healthy, well-balanced breakfast with selections from a variety of food groups," WHO director Johann Bruckhörst-Kliebe said. "These findings make it clear that when it comes to the problem of fighting terrorism, nutrition may play a far more important role than previously believed."

Jean Teasdale Living

Well, Jeanketeers, I've got a confession to make: For a while there, I wasn't following my trusty old axiom, "Keep smiling!" In fact, you could say that my frown practically dragged on the ground!

I'm Not A Wino, I'm A 'Why-Yes'!

I've sucked down a lot of booze in my 42 years. A hell of a lot. In fact, some would go so far as to call me a wino. But I've got no time for that kind of negativity. I'm not a wino... I'm a "why-yes"!

Watching N. Aeschylus Grow

It is a bitter-sweet season at the Zweibel mansion. Though my sweet betrothed, Miss Bernadette Fiske, has perished from a swooning fit brought on by extreme womanliness, her delicate, lithe-limbed beauty lives on in our square-headed, seven-foot-tall baby boy, N. Aeschylus. The clangor of his iron feet as he frolics about the mansion is just the tonic my nerves require. I had forgotten the wonder that is a Zweibel-child!

The Columbine Legacy

April 20 marks the one-year anniversary of the Columbine High School shooting. What is the legacy of this tragedy?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Personal Finance

Comfort

  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit

Leonardo DiCaprio recently conducted an interview with President Clinton for ABC. The interview, slated to air April 22, has outraged ABC News journalists, who are calling it inappropriate and an insult to their profession. What do you think?
  • "Leo plus hunky U.S. helmer equals boffo Nielsens, sez net exec! Why, no, I don't write for Variety–I'm ABC's Washington bureau chief."

    John Doby
    Telejournalist
  • "It's gonna turn my stomach to see DiCaprio mugging for the camera, asking softball questions, and blindly accepting any answer he gets, just like a real White House correspondent."

    George Liddell
    Systems Analyst
  • "I don't recall this sort of uproar when David Soul interviewed Jimmy Carter. Or was it Paul Michael Glaser?"

    Harriet Isaacs
    Homemaker
  • "I'll watch only if Leo conducts the interview as the guy he played in What's Eating Gilbert Grape."

    Jesse Taymor
    Auto Mechanic
  • "I was fine with the first seven years of the Clinton presidency, but lately, it's just degenerated into a shallow media circus."

    Dana Levin
    Architect
  • "Leonardo DiCaprio is interviewing the president? This year, I think I'll take my vacation in one of those countries that has millions of land mines strewn about."

    Duane Derricks
    Marketing Executive
Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More