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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit

Leonardo DiCaprio recently conducted an interview with President Clinton for ABC. The interview, slated to air April 22, has outraged ABC News journalists, who are calling it inappropriate and an insult to their profession. What do you think?
  • "Leo plus hunky U.S. helmer equals boffo Nielsens, sez net exec! Why, no, I don't write for Variety–I'm ABC's Washington bureau chief."

    John Doby Telejournalist
  • "It's gonna turn my stomach to see DiCaprio mugging for the camera, asking softball questions, and blindly accepting any answer he gets, just like a real White House correspondent."

    George Liddell Systems Analyst
  • "I don't recall this sort of uproar when David Soul interviewed Jimmy Carter. Or was it Paul Michael Glaser?"

    Harriet Isaacs Homemaker
  • "I'll watch only if Leo conducts the interview as the guy he played in What's Eating Gilbert Grape."

    Jesse Taymor Auto Mechanic
  • "I was fine with the first seven years of the Clinton presidency, but lately, it's just degenerated into a shallow media circus."

    Dana Levin Architect
  • "Leonardo DiCaprio is interviewing the president? This year, I think I'll take my vacation in one of those countries that has millions of land mines strewn about."

    Duane Derricks Marketing Executive
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