adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Clone Wars

Across the U.S. and on Capitol Hill, debate is raging on the issue of human cloning. What do you think?
  • "Cloning? Why? Aren't most Americans pretty much exactly alike as it is?"

    Lisa Rossiter Florist
  • "We really have no idea what kind of profound ramifications this could have on future generations, and on life on this planet as a whole. Let's find out."

    Dan Preece Truck Driver
  • "Cloning forces us to ask some hard questions. For example, which person, the original or the clone, gets to wear the goatee and be evil?"

    Stewart Nicholls Cashier
  • "Can we clone a bulletproof Kurt Cobain? He was a sun that set too soon."

    Danielle Yates Student
  • "Anything that puts more people on the planet is okay by me."

    Bill Barron Systems Analyst
  • "Didn't the world learn its lesson when test-tube baby Louise grew to 60 feet tall and rampaged across London?"

    Ken Bould Architect

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close