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The Clone Wars

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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The Clone Wars

In the first-ever cloning of a mammal, scientists in Scotland announced last week that they had successfully cloned a sheep. What do you think?
  • "Big deal. I discovered the secret of my sheep's colon years ago."

    Tad Kolinski Farmer
  • "The world of the frighteningly prophetic 1984 film Weird Science is closer than we think."

    Wendy Reid Interior Decorator
  • "I can't believe it—imagine a whole field of sheep that all look alike!"

    Barbara Eastman Systems Analyst
  • "They spend billions on genetics research, and meanwhile, I still have no pretzel rods with tangy ranch flavor."

    Rajeev Pindar Speech Pathologist
  • "Science can do anything now, man. They can clone, they can orbit shit. Hell, I'll admit it—science is cool."

    Tony Roth Building Supervisor
  • "I think I saw some of those cloning experiments going on down at the mall. They had wallet chains and real big pants."

    Will Backman Plumber

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