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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The Clone Wars

In the first-ever cloning of a mammal, scientists in Scotland announced last week that they had successfully cloned a sheep. What do you think?
  • "Big deal. I discovered the secret of my sheep's colon years ago."

    Tad Kolinski Farmer
  • "The world of the frighteningly prophetic 1984 film Weird Science is closer than we think."

    Wendy Reid Interior Decorator
  • "I can't believe it—imagine a whole field of sheep that all look alike!"

    Barbara Eastman Systems Analyst
  • "They spend billions on genetics research, and meanwhile, I still have no pretzel rods with tangy ranch flavor."

    Rajeev Pindar Speech Pathologist
  • "Science can do anything now, man. They can clone, they can orbit shit. Hell, I'll admit it—science is cool."

    Tony Roth Building Supervisor
  • "I think I saw some of those cloning experiments going on down at the mall. They had wallet chains and real big pants."

    Will Backman Plumber

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