The Crisis In Sudan

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Vol 40 Issue 31

Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment

MILWAUKEE—A WITI News camera crew spent 30 minutes inconspicuously following an overweight woman at the Henry W. Maier Festival Park Monday to capture footage for an upcoming segment on obesity. "It's hard to get anyone to agree to be filmed to illustrate what a fat person looks like," cameraman Doug Kovalik said, nonchalantly pointing his camera at an obese woman who was tugging at a pair of shorts bunched into her crotch while she ate a corn dog. "We avoid the whole mess by shooting them from behind or the neck down. It saves us the hassle of filling out release forms." Kovalik last used this discreet filming technique in May, when he captured B-roll at a local craft mall for a segment on managed care for the elderly.

Man In International Airport Only Speaks Business

CHICAGO—John Brinker, a New York technological consultant trapped in the O'Hare International Airport for two hours Monday, struggled to communicate with fellow travelers, none of whom spoke business. "Should Mynex reach efficient levels, their high-volume production of microanalyzers will offset tariff and transportation costs and place Sysmet in a competitive position against local producers and distributors," Brinker said to a vacationing English speaker from Boise, ID who shrugged apologetically. "A 25 percent growth rate is the motivation for manufacturing in the NICs." Brinker was later seen blinking uncomprehendingly at a bus-stop sign while awaiting his company limousine.

Maid Dreams Children Will One Day Be Maids In Wealthier Households

LOS ANGELES—Estella Lopez expressed hope Monday that her children will enjoy a brighter future as housekeepers in wealthier households. "I want my daughters to have a better life than I've had," Lopez said. "I dream that one day they will serve in a beautiful home, polishing windows overlooking the ocean and disinfecting toilets made of marble. God willing, they'll be asked to scrub a bidet someday." Lopez added that she fantasizes about her son parking a Bentley.

Wendy's New Homestyle Chicken Strips Salad Shamelessly Touted

DUBLIN, OH—Using billboards, bus ads, and TV commercials, the fast-food franchise Wendy's is unabashedly plugging its Homestyle Chicken Strips Salad, sources reported Monday. "I can't believe Wendy's is putting up posters calling their own salad 'sensational' and 'satisfying,'" said Donald Merrill, a former customer. "It's immodest to the point of embarrassment." Merrill added that he remembers when "hot and juicy" actually meant something.
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The Crisis In Sudan

The U.S. has threatened economic action against the Sudanese government if it fails to disarm Arab militias, but some doubt it will curb the violence. What do you think?
  • "If we help these people now, we'll have to help them every time their women are being raped by the thousands and their children are being slaughtered like cattle."

    Stacy Heckel
    Systems Analyst
  • "Another African genocide? All right, I'll care—but this is absolutely the last time."

    Daniel Mears
    Radiologic Technician
  • "When dealing with genocide, you must ask yourself, "What would Hitler do?" And then, you know, do the opposite."

    Jeremy Larson
    Audiologist
  • "That reminds me. I could use a nice new sedan. Hell, I deserve one."

    George Wolf
    Chiropractor
  • "Wait. Is this a real genocide or just one of those reality-TV celebrity genocides?"

    Mark Garrett
    Manager
  • "Well, I don't want to sound overly partisan here. But tentatively, yes, I do oppose genocide."

    Gina Grunwald
    Treasurer
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