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The Crisis In Sudan

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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The Crisis In Sudan

The U.S. has threatened economic action against the Sudanese government if it fails to disarm Arab militias, but some doubt it will curb the violence. What do you think?
  • "If we help these people now, we'll have to help them every time their women are being raped by the thousands and their children are being slaughtered like cattle."

    Stacy Heckel Systems Analyst
  • "Another African genocide? All right, I'll care—but this is absolutely the last time."

    Daniel Mears Radiologic Technician
  • "When dealing with genocide, you must ask yourself, "What would Hitler do?" And then, you know, do the opposite."

    Jeremy Larson Audiologist
  • "That reminds me. I could use a nice new sedan. Hell, I deserve one."

    George Wolf Chiropractor
  • "Wait. Is this a real genocide or just one of those reality-TV celebrity genocides?"

    Mark Garrett Manager
  • "Well, I don't want to sound overly partisan here. But tentatively, yes, I do oppose genocide."

    Gina Grunwald Treasurer

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