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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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The Death Of John-John

Killed with his wife and sister-in-law in a plane crash July 16, JFK Jr. joins a long line of Kennedys to die under tragic circumstances. What do you think about the latest calamity to befall America's first family?
  • "It's tragic when you consider all the wasted potential. Think of all the stylish neckties he would have gone on to wear."

    Jennifer Levy Graphic Designer
  • "Just give me a minute to collect myself and dry the tears I'm crying for America. Okay, now, who died?"

    Elaine Foss Florist
  • "We have lost a man who forged in the smithy of his soul the uncreated conscience of his race. No, wait—that was James Joyce. JFK Jr. was that guy in People."

    Frank Cameron Actuary
  • "Christ, how long can that crazy wop Giancana stay mad?"

    Rajiv Gopindar Cashier
  • "All I can say is, thank God his wife was also in the plane, sparing us from having to endure another bony, widowed, fashionplate, pseudo-royal Jackie O figure for the next 50 years."

    Steve<br>Roby Delivery<br>Driver
  • "You know, I'm gonna miss that old casket-saluting bar-flunker."

    John Auletta Systems Analyst

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