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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The Declining Crime Rate

It was announced last week that the U.S. crime rate is down for the seventh year in a row, falling to its lowest level since 1985. What do you think about this decline in American violence?
  • "As an upper-middle-class suburbanite, I'll just have to take your word for it."

    Michael Field Systems Analyst
  • "I attribute this drop to the nationwide crackdown on casual marijuana users. Thank God those evil fiends are locked up."

    Andre Coleman Investment Advisor
  • "Does this have anything to do with the recent reclassification of drive-by shootings as traffic violations?"

    Stephanie Wilmot Student
  • "You know what else has been declining for seven straight years? The number of women who want to sleep with carpet salesman Larry Brodt, that's fucking what."

    Larry Brodt Carpet Salesman
  • "Let's give credit where credit is due. Thank you, Meadowlark Lemon."

    Elaine Holcomb Homemaker
  • "Crime is down? Hey, man, don't look at me."

    Arthur Morales Cashier

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