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The Declining Crime Rate

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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The Declining Crime Rate

It was announced last week that the U.S. crime rate is down for the seventh year in a row, falling to its lowest level since 1985. What do you think about this decline in American violence?
  • "As an upper-middle-class suburbanite, I'll just have to take your word for it."

    Michael Field Systems Analyst
  • "I attribute this drop to the nationwide crackdown on casual marijuana users. Thank God those evil fiends are locked up."

    Andre Coleman Investment Advisor
  • "Does this have anything to do with the recent reclassification of drive-by shootings as traffic violations?"

    Stephanie Wilmot Student
  • "You know what else has been declining for seven straight years? The number of women who want to sleep with carpet salesman Larry Brodt, that's fucking what."

    Larry Brodt Carpet Salesman
  • "Let's give credit where credit is due. Thank you, Meadowlark Lemon."

    Elaine Holcomb Homemaker
  • "Crime is down? Hey, man, don't look at me."

    Arthur Morales Cashier

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