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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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The Declining Crime Rate

It was announced last week that the U.S. crime rate is down for the seventh year in a row, falling to its lowest level since 1985. What do you think about this decline in American violence?
  • "As an upper-middle-class suburbanite, I'll just have to take your word for it."

    Michael Field Systems Analyst
  • "I attribute this drop to the nationwide crackdown on casual marijuana users. Thank God those evil fiends are locked up."

    Andre Coleman Investment Advisor
  • "Does this have anything to do with the recent reclassification of drive-by shootings as traffic violations?"

    Stephanie Wilmot Student
  • "You know what else has been declining for seven straight years? The number of women who want to sleep with carpet salesman Larry Brodt, that's fucking what."

    Larry Brodt Carpet Salesman
  • "Let's give credit where credit is due. Thank you, Meadowlark Lemon."

    Elaine Holcomb Homemaker
  • "Crime is down? Hey, man, don't look at me."

    Arthur Morales Cashier
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