adBlockCheck

Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Definition Of Sex

President Clinton reportedly told Monica Lewinsky during an alleged tryst that oral sex does not count as sexual relations. What do you think about the definition of sex?
  • "Recently, my wife accused me of cheating on her. But once I explained to her that this woman just sucked me off until I shot my load all over her dress, she was totally relieved."

    Larry Yates Systems Analyst
  • "I think of sex as that horrible and disgusting act I had to go through to produce my precious son Kevin."

    Anne Osrow Art Historian
  • "I don't understand why Clinton is getting so much heat in the press. I mean, people fuck Jews all the time."

    Rick Tonelli Photographer
  • "This definition thing could get way out of hand. For instance, if you're going to count genital-anal contact, that means I have sex with my dog, for chrissakes."

    Patrick Croydon Electrician
  • "Sex is when daddy puts his hot dog in mommy's bun. At least, that's what my husband told me."

    Valerie Joyner Student
  • "For me, sex can be the flutter of a woman's eyelashes. Or the rustling of her skirt. Or leaves moving gently in the breeze. Or a discarded soda cup. Or a bit of string."

    Ben Staunton Food Vendor

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close