adBlockCheck

Politics

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Definition Of Sex

President Clinton reportedly told Monica Lewinsky during an alleged tryst that oral sex does not count as sexual relations. What do you think about the definition of sex?
  • "Recently, my wife accused me of cheating on her. But once I explained to her that this woman just sucked me off until I shot my load all over her dress, she was totally relieved."

    Larry Yates Systems Analyst
  • "I think of sex as that horrible and disgusting act I had to go through to produce my precious son Kevin."

    Anne Osrow Art Historian
  • "I don't understand why Clinton is getting so much heat in the press. I mean, people fuck Jews all the time."

    Rick Tonelli Photographer
  • "This definition thing could get way out of hand. For instance, if you're going to count genital-anal contact, that means I have sex with my dog, for chrissakes."

    Patrick Croydon Electrician
  • "Sex is when daddy puts his hot dog in mommy's bun. At least, that's what my husband told me."

    Valerie Joyner Student
  • "For me, sex can be the flutter of a woman's eyelashes. Or the rustling of her skirt. Or leaves moving gently in the breeze. Or a discarded soda cup. Or a bit of string."

    Ben Staunton Food Vendor

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close