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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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The Diallo Verdict

On Feb. 25, four NYPD officers were acquitted in the shooting of Amadou Diallo, a West African immigrant who died a year ago when he was shot 19 times after police mistook his wallet for a gun. What do you think of this controversial acquittal?
  • "If Diallo was so innocent, why was he taking his wallet out of his pocket? Huh? Huh? Answer me that."

    Michell Ness Machinist
  • "What were those cops supposed to do? Draw their guns without firing and repeat their verbal warning?"

    Irene Pollack Homemaker
  • "You have to understand, there's no time to reflect when you have to make a split-second decision whether to fire 41 times."

    Tina Botte Psychologist
  • "People are so misinformed about this case that they're missing the most important point: Amadou Diallo will never kill again."

    Richard Lefkowitz Orthodontist
  • "This is symptomatic of a much larger societal problem: the growing reliance of U.S. wallet manufacturers on gun-shaped designs."

    Marcus Torrance Systems Analyst
  • "Give those cops a break. It's not like they sodomized the guy with a mop handle or anything."

    Mel Soonachian Maintenance Worker

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