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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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The Diallo Verdict

On Feb. 25, four NYPD officers were acquitted in the shooting of Amadou Diallo, a West African immigrant who died a year ago when he was shot 19 times after police mistook his wallet for a gun. What do you think of this controversial acquittal?
  • "If Diallo was so innocent, why was he taking his wallet out of his pocket? Huh? Huh? Answer me that."

    Michell Ness Machinist
  • "What were those cops supposed to do? Draw their guns without firing and repeat their verbal warning?"

    Irene Pollack Homemaker
  • "You have to understand, there's no time to reflect when you have to make a split-second decision whether to fire 41 times."

    Tina Botte Psychologist
  • "People are so misinformed about this case that they're missing the most important point: Amadou Diallo will never kill again."

    Richard Lefkowitz Orthodontist
  • "This is symptomatic of a much larger societal problem: the growing reliance of U.S. wallet manufacturers on gun-shaped designs."

    Marcus Torrance Systems Analyst
  • "Give those cops a break. It's not like they sodomized the guy with a mop handle or anything."

    Mel Soonachian Maintenance Worker

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