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Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

U.S. citizen Jose Padilla was arrested May 8 in a plot to detonate a "dirty bomb" spewing low-level radiation. What do you think about this latest terror threat?
  • "I am an American, and I'm not about to be cowed into fearing things I should be afraid of."

    Jim Miller Architect
  • "I'm glad they caught that soy-bomb guy. He was a dick."

    Lisa Bell Student
  • "I don't know... picking up chicks with, 'Sleep with me, baby—tomorrow we could all be dirty-bombed' just doesn't cut it."

    Frank Castellano Delivery Driver
  • "That's so awesome that the government stopped a would-be terrorist. And right when they're reeling from criticism about that stuff. It's like fate! A magical cosmic symmetry!"

    Dave Downing File Clerk
  • "Tell you one thing: There wouldn't be all this bombing and killing stuff if everyone in the world were either me or my wife."

    Mitch Redmond Systems Analyst
  • "The big question is, how did we ever let a guy like this into the country? What? He was born here? Oh."

    Dana Cornell Florist

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