The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

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Vol 38 Issue 23

Golf Tips

Warm weather is here, and it's time to hit the links. Here are some tips to help you improve your game:

Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner

HARRISBURG, PA—Winona Culvert, a loser in Monday's $113 million Pennsylvania Lottery, expressed anger at Mechanicsburg electrician Clint Furlow, who took home the jackpot after buying a single ticket on a whim. "Who the hell does that asshole think he is?" said Culvert upon seeing the news report of Furlow's victory. "I bought 40 tickets." Culvert added that she needs the prize money far more than Furlow, as she has been on public assistance for the past two years.

U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out

WASHINGTON, DC—Some 20,000 members of the Association of American Middlemen marched on the National Mall Monday, demanding protection from such out-cutting shopping options as online purchasing, factory-direct catalogs, and outlet malls. "Each year in this country, thousands of hard-working middlemen are cut out," said Pete Hume, a Euclid, OH, waterbed retailer. "No one seems to care that our livelihood is being taken away from us." Hume said the AAM is eager to work with legislators to find alternate means of passing the savings on to you.

Sympathy Card Signed By Assistant

KANSAS CITY, MO—A sympathy card from Walters Realty president Bob Merritt to the wife of recently deceased realtor Jim Nolfo was chosen, signed, and mailed by Merritt's personal assistant Monday. "Please know that you are in my thoughts during this difficult time," the assistant wrote on Merritt's behalf. Merritt, who did not see the card at any time during the three hours it spent in the Walters Realty office, did not add, "Let me know if I can help in any way."

Area Man Thinking About Getting One Of Those All-Body Scans

AUGUSTA, GA—Impressed by the technology, Dan Cirillo is thinking about getting an all-body imaging scan, the 45-year-old Augusta man revealed Monday. "Wow, that looks pretty cool," said Cirillo, who saw the device on CBS' 48 Hours. "I'd love to get one of those." Cirillo then wondered aloud whether he could get a scan and a similarly cool watertank-immersion body-fat measurement on the same day.

You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine

My lord, what are you doing? Your crude handling of that beautiful instrument borders on the obscene! You cannot carelessly strike a tambourine and expect it to sing its beautiful song. You must coax it out of her. You must romance the music out of the tambourine.

CEO Resignations

Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski is the latest in a string of corporate chiefs to step down amid scandal allegations.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

U.S. citizen Jose Padilla was arrested May 8 in a plot to detonate a "dirty bomb" spewing low-level radiation. What do you think about this latest terror threat?
  • "I am an American, and I'm not about to be cowed into fearing things I should be afraid of."

    Jim Miller
    Architect
  • "I'm glad they caught that soy-bomb guy. He was a dick."

    Lisa Bell
    Student
  • "I don't know... picking up chicks with, 'Sleep with me, baby—tomorrow we could all be dirty-bombed' just doesn't cut it."

    Frank Castellano
    Delivery Driver
  • "That's so awesome that the government stopped a would-be terrorist. And right when they're reeling from criticism about that stuff. It's like fate! A magical cosmic symmetry!"

    Dave Downing
    File Clerk
  • "Tell you one thing: There wouldn't be all this bombing and killing stuff if everyone in the world were either me or my wife."

    Mitch Redmond
    Systems Analyst
  • "The big question is, how did we ever let a guy like this into the country? What? He was born here? Oh."

    Dana Cornell
    Florist
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