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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

U.S. citizen Jose Padilla was arrested May 8 in a plot to detonate a "dirty bomb" spewing low-level radiation. What do you think about this latest terror threat?
  • "I am an American, and I'm not about to be cowed into fearing things I should be afraid of."

    Jim Miller Architect
  • "I'm glad they caught that soy-bomb guy. He was a dick."

    Lisa Bell Student
  • "I don't know... picking up chicks with, 'Sleep with me, baby—tomorrow we could all be dirty-bombed' just doesn't cut it."

    Frank Castellano Delivery Driver
  • "That's so awesome that the government stopped a would-be terrorist. And right when they're reeling from criticism about that stuff. It's like fate! A magical cosmic symmetry!"

    Dave Downing File Clerk
  • "Tell you one thing: There wouldn't be all this bombing and killing stuff if everyone in the world were either me or my wife."

    Mitch Redmond Systems Analyst
  • "The big question is, how did we ever let a guy like this into the country? What? He was born here? Oh."

    Dana Cornell Florist

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