The Dockworkers' Strike

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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The Dockworkers' Strike

Dockworkers in 29 West Coast ports returned to work last week under court order, tackling a 10-day backlog of cargo. What do you think?
  • "Those damn dockworkers have it so good—except for the spending-all-day-hauling-200- pound-boxes part."

    John McGee
    Systems <br>Analyst
  • "My heart goes out to those dockworkers. They could have been contenders. They could have been somebody. Instead of a bunch of bums, which is what they are."

    Grace Olney
    Librarian
  • "I heard Bush ended this strike by invoking 1947's Taft-Hartley Act. If I were him, I'd leave that boring crap back in ninth-grade history, where it belongs."

    Randall <br>Smithson
    Electrician
  • "Oh, good. I would have just died if some shit on a boat in San Francisco didn't get unloaded."

    Adam Nesbitt
    Attorney
  • "This is like the time I organized a strike over at Sbarro's. Actually, I just stopped showing up."

    Gordie Runnels
    File Clerk
  • "I just feel bad for all the rotting vegetables. They're the real victims in all this."

    Marcy Webber
    Student