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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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The Dress-Code Crackdown

Across the U.S., high schools are banning low-rise jeans, midriff-baring tops, and other skimpy articles of clothing. What do you think about the fashion crackdown?
  • "What I don't get is the super-low jeans where the thong straps peek out above the waistline. Why aren't those required?"

    Paul Cooper Plumber
  • "Girls that young should not be wearing sexy outfits in school. I say dress them all in plaid skirts and knee-high stockings."

    Nelson Wollersheim Bond Trader
  • "I think girls who violate dress codes should be suspended and picked up from school by their mothers' boyfriends."

    Lisa Hausherr Social Worker
  • "The way the kids dress these days, it's becoming almost impossible to tell the sluts from the regular girls."

    Tom Atack Tom Atack<br>
  • "Thank God for Maury Povich. He's doing his part by sending all those out-of-control, too-sexy teens to boot camp."

    Michael Keller Systems Analyst
  • "I don't know. I think some of those crotchless hot pants they sell in the JCPenney children's department are kind of cute."

    Meredith Wakefield Legal Secretary

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