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The Dress-Code Crackdown

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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The Dress-Code Crackdown

Across the U.S., high schools are banning low-rise jeans, midriff-baring tops, and other skimpy articles of clothing. What do you think about the fashion crackdown?
  • "What I don't get is the super-low jeans where the thong straps peek out above the waistline. Why aren't those required?"

    Paul Cooper Plumber
  • "Girls that young should not be wearing sexy outfits in school. I say dress them all in plaid skirts and knee-high stockings."

    Nelson Wollersheim Bond Trader
  • "I think girls who violate dress codes should be suspended and picked up from school by their mothers' boyfriends."

    Lisa Hausherr Social Worker
  • "The way the kids dress these days, it's becoming almost impossible to tell the sluts from the regular girls."

    Tom Atack Tom Atack<br>
  • "Thank God for Maury Povich. He's doing his part by sending all those out-of-control, too-sexy teens to boot camp."

    Michael Keller Systems Analyst
  • "I don't know. I think some of those crotchless hot pants they sell in the JCPenney children's department are kind of cute."

    Meredith Wakefield Legal Secretary

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