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The Dress-Code Crackdown

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

The Dress-Code Crackdown

Across the U.S., high schools are banning low-rise jeans, midriff-baring tops, and other skimpy articles of clothing. What do you think about the fashion crackdown?
  • "What I don't get is the super-low jeans where the thong straps peek out above the waistline. Why aren't those required?"

    Paul Cooper
    Plumber
  • "Girls that young should not be wearing sexy outfits in school. I say dress them all in plaid skirts and knee-high stockings."

    Nelson Wollersheim
    Bond Trader
  • "I think girls who violate dress codes should be suspended and picked up from school by their mothers' boyfriends."

    Lisa Hausherr
    Social Worker
  • "The way the kids dress these days, it's becoming almost impossible to tell the sluts from the regular girls."

    Tom Atack
    Tom Atack<br>
  • "Thank God for Maury Povich. He's doing his part by sending all those out-of-control, too-sexy teens to boot camp."

    Michael Keller
    Systems Analyst
  • "I don't know. I think some of those crotchless hot pants they sell in the JCPenney children's department are kind of cute."

    Meredith Wakefield
    Legal Secretary

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