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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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The Falun Gong Show

The Chinese government recently banned Falun Gong, a 100,000-member spiritual movement denounced as "dangerous to society." What do you think of China's crackdown on this meditation-based sect?
  • "Thank goodness China was able to stamp out this dangerous sitting- around- doing- nothing- but- thinking movement."

    Randall Fowler Systems Analyst
  • "The Chinese government may seem harsh to us, but at least over there, an individual worker-unit can propel itself along a transportway without fear of undue molestation."

    Pamela Olsen Loan Clerk
  • "Those meditators should be allowed to do what they want. It's a free country, you know."

    Kaye Sollinger Fitness Coordinator
  • "China is cracking down on a popular quasi-New Age spiritualist? I think the U.S. should follow their example and crush that Deepak Chopra guy once and for all."

    Larry Lantis Optician
  • "Falun Gong? Aren't those the folks who worship harmoniously arranged furniture?"

    John Pellett Custodian
  • "I'm just glad the Chinese government is finally cracking down on something."

    Gregory Bleck Metal Worker

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