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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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The Falun Gong Show

The Chinese government recently banned Falun Gong, a 100,000-member spiritual movement denounced as "dangerous to society." What do you think of China's crackdown on this meditation-based sect?
  • "Thank goodness China was able to stamp out this dangerous sitting- around- doing- nothing- but- thinking movement."

    Randall Fowler Systems Analyst
  • "The Chinese government may seem harsh to us, but at least over there, an individual worker-unit can propel itself along a transportway without fear of undue molestation."

    Pamela Olsen Loan Clerk
  • "Those meditators should be allowed to do what they want. It's a free country, you know."

    Kaye Sollinger Fitness Coordinator
  • "China is cracking down on a popular quasi-New Age spiritualist? I think the U.S. should follow their example and crush that Deepak Chopra guy once and for all."

    Larry Lantis Optician
  • "Falun Gong? Aren't those the folks who worship harmoniously arranged furniture?"

    John Pellett Custodian
  • "I'm just glad the Chinese government is finally cracking down on something."

    Gregory Bleck Metal Worker

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