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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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The Falun Gong Show

The Chinese government recently banned Falun Gong, a 100,000-member spiritual movement denounced as "dangerous to society." What do you think of China's crackdown on this meditation-based sect?
  • "Thank goodness China was able to stamp out this dangerous sitting- around- doing- nothing- but- thinking movement."

    Randall Fowler
    Systems Analyst
  • "The Chinese government may seem harsh to us, but at least over there, an individual worker-unit can propel itself along a transportway without fear of undue molestation."

    Pamela Olsen
    Loan Clerk
  • "Those meditators should be allowed to do what they want. It's a free country, you know."

    Kaye Sollinger
    Fitness Coordinator
  • "China is cracking down on a popular quasi-New Age spiritualist? I think the U.S. should follow their example and crush that Deepak Chopra guy once and for all."

    Larry Lantis
  • "Falun Gong? Aren't those the folks who worship harmoniously arranged furniture?"

    John Pellett
  • "I'm just glad the Chinese government is finally cracking down on something."

    Gregory Bleck
    Metal Worker
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