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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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The FDR Memorial

The new Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial, dedicated last Friday in Washington, D.C., has come under fire for not depicting him in a wheelchair. What do you think?
  • "I don't know if the wheelchair would increase the monument's dignity, but it sure would increase its humor value. Cripples are hilarious!"

    Andy Noonan Graphic Designer
  • "Without FDR my feminine odor would be out of control."

    Lisa Proehl Orthopedic Surgeon
  • "Why must the new statue hide the truth? Can't it show FDR's nurse helping him on with his underwear?"

    Randy Innis Botanist
  • "This is Washington, D.C. If they put wheels on that thing, they'd be gone in 60 seconds."

    Brenda Sorensen Systems Analyst
  • "I'm still angry the Jefferson Memorial didn't depict him banging his slaves."

    Dennis Farron Police Officer
  • "Would the FDR in a wheelchair statue be able to talk like the Christopher Reeve statue I saw on Barbara Walters?"

    Reggie Yeager Cab Driver

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