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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

What To Expect From James Comey’s Book

Former FBI director James Comey is writing a book due out next spring about leadership, decision-making, and his time at the FBI. Here’s what to look for when the book is released.
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The FDR Memorial

The new Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial, dedicated last Friday in Washington, D.C., has come under fire for not depicting him in a wheelchair. What do you think?
  • "I don't know if the wheelchair would increase the monument's dignity, but it sure would increase its humor value. Cripples are hilarious!"

    Andy Noonan Graphic Designer
  • "Without FDR my feminine odor would be out of control."

    Lisa Proehl Orthopedic Surgeon
  • "Why must the new statue hide the truth? Can't it show FDR's nurse helping him on with his underwear?"

    Randy Innis Botanist
  • "This is Washington, D.C. If they put wheels on that thing, they'd be gone in 60 seconds."

    Brenda Sorensen Systems Analyst
  • "I'm still angry the Jefferson Memorial didn't depict him banging his slaves."

    Dennis Farron Police Officer
  • "Would the FDR in a wheelchair statue be able to talk like the Christopher Reeve statue I saw on Barbara Walters?"

    Reggie Yeager Cab Driver

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