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The Firestone Tire Recall

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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The Firestone Tire Recall

Last month, Firestone announced a recall of 6.5 million tires following reports of 46 deaths related to blowouts of tires on Ford sport-utility vehicles. The death toll has since risen to 88. What do you think?
  • "You can bet that from now on, I'll only be buying Michelins–the only tire safe enough for a nude infant to ride around in without even any car."

    Matthew Kramer Consultant
  • "SUV drivers are being killed. Killed, I tell you! Whoopee!"

    Diane Tendero Nurse Practitioner
  • "This is precisely why I will not permit vulcanization in my home."

    Donna Petruso Caterer
  • "I bet those Consumer Reports guys are really creaming their jeans over this one."

    Ron Gullett Electrician
  • "This should be a boon to Fox's America's Deadliest Crashes. I'm sick of seeing that motorcycle run into the bus."

    Marty Reese Carpenter
  • "I still say it's better to careen off a cliff in a Ford than drive a Chevy."

    Ed Westlake Systems Analyst

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