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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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The First Wives Phenomenon

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?
  • "First Wives? Bah! When is Time going to cover a real news story—like aliens invading the earth in a summer blockbuster? Now that would be news."

    Leigh Orff Opthamologist
  • "I'm a rich, white male who has been married twice. Only, I didn't divorce my first wife. I beat her to death with a golf club."

    Eric Hoyer Zookeeper
  • "When two people with a family divorce, they're not the only ones affected. Please don't forget about the pool cleaner."

    Connie Hanson Caterer
  • "I don't understand what all the hubbub is about—Diane Keaton didn't even take off her shirt."

    John Kretchman Systems Analyst
  • "I ain't seen the movie. But all the guys are talking about it down at the garage."

    Bill Feller Key Grip
  • "When my husband left me, I became a member of the Columbia Music Club. Savings is the best revenge!"

    Melanie Kranz Sales Representative

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