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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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The First Wives Phenomenon

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?
  • "First Wives? Bah! When is Time going to cover a real news story—like aliens invading the earth in a summer blockbuster? Now that would be news."

    Leigh Orff Opthamologist
  • "I'm a rich, white male who has been married twice. Only, I didn't divorce my first wife. I beat her to death with a golf club."

    Eric Hoyer Zookeeper
  • "When two people with a family divorce, they're not the only ones affected. Please don't forget about the pool cleaner."

    Connie Hanson Caterer
  • "I don't understand what all the hubbub is about—Diane Keaton didn't even take off her shirt."

    John Kretchman Systems Analyst
  • "I ain't seen the movie. But all the guys are talking about it down at the garage."

    Bill Feller Key Grip
  • "When my husband left me, I became a member of the Columbia Music Club. Savings is the best revenge!"

    Melanie Kranz Sales Representative
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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