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The Future Of NASA

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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The Future Of NASA

In the wake of the Columbia tragedy, many are questioning the wisdom and necessity of NASA's manned-space-flight program. What do you think?
  • "Those astronauts did not die in vain. They gave their lives so that mankind could have cool footage of people floating upside-down in fully automated capsules."

    Maria Fortis
    Librarian
  • "Imagine all the good that could be done if we took those billions of dollars we're spending on NASA and gave it to the military."

    Kenneth King
    Systems Analyst
  • "The space program should be scrapped. Fourteen deaths in 20 years? Imagine seeing those kinds of statistics in, say, the trucking industry."

    Bill Kuntz
    Auto Mechanic
  • "If man were meant to fly in outer space, God would have given him a brain capable of figuring out the mathematics and physics necessary to do so."

    Sheryl Auburn
    Homemaker
  • "Don't you think Bush is taking this whole wanting-to-be-Reagan thing a little far?"

    Marcus Edwards
    Civil Engineer

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