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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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The Gay Marriage Debate

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?
  • "Hey, I don't know about same-sex marriages, but I've been beggin' my wife for a some-sex marriage for years!"

    Duane Leary Bus Driver
  • "Same-sex marriages are okay, as long as it's clear who drops the soap and who is the warden."

    Dave Reiderer Repair Technician
  • "I was in a gay affair once. Oh, how the champagne flowed! And the Nelson Riddle Orchestra, oh, they were simply divine!"

    Georgette Phillips File Clerk
  • "As a church-going lady, I must disapprove. Once two people of the same sex are married, they might start having relations."

    Laurie Wilson School Psychologist
  • "I'm all for them. My next marriage will be to someone who likes to have the same kind of sex I have. The kind where you kiss my ding-dong."

    Bill Hastings Operator
  • "I was brought up to believe that same-sex marriage is fine, providing the people involved are father and son."

    Aaron Green Guidance Counselor

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