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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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The Global-Warming Crisis

According to the National Oceanic And Atmospheric Administration, the average 1998 worldwide temperature was 58.5 degrees, making it the warmest year on record. What do you think about the rising global-warming threat?
  • "Glenn Frey foretold of this grave crisis in his prophetic 1985 hit 'The Heat Is On.'"

    Lorraine Schwall Pediatrician
  • "We must put out the sun before it's too late."

    Marvin Malzone Financial Planner
  • "I just hope that when the world is a post-apocalyptic desert wasteland, I can get my hands on one of them dune-buggy things."

    Dennis Runnels Plumber
  • "Does this question involve the Super Bowl? No? Can you think of one that does?"

    Charles Green Systems Analyst
  • "I for one promise to stop aiming my aerosol cans directly at the sky."

    Armen Wills Cook
  • "I've always loved never-ending summers, palm trees and balmy tropical breezes, and it'll be nice to have them here in Winnipeg."

    Patricia Kolstad Teacher

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