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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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The Graying Of America's Prisons

As a result of the crime boom of the '70s and '80s, experts are predicting an explosion in the number of elderly prisoners in the coming decades. What do you think?
  • "I'll tell you one upside to this: Jailbreaks and riots will take on more of a comical, pathetic quality."

    Marianne Anders Math Teacher
  • "She's never been to jail, but my grandmother is a prisoner in her own home. No way am I taking her out for walks."

    Freddie Payton Veterinarian
  • "I've been in prison for over 60 years. But do I complain? No! I'm fit as a fiddle, thanks to my Jack LaLanne juicer and a daily regimen of shower-room anal rape."

    Marty Santana Systems Analyst
  • "I heard that Roddy The Weasel, the top man in cell block 15-B, just broke his hip."

    Elyse Reuschel School Psychologist
  • "If they're really, really old, you can just stick them in some room and tell them it's jail."

    Chet Reid Civil Engineer
  • "Lefty's doing time in Sing Sing, see, because he took the fall for Moishe, see? We're going to bust him out, see? Then we're going to put the kibosh on DeSantoni's gang."

    Milt Worrell Safety Inspector

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