adBlockCheck

The Graying Of America's Prisons

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The Graying Of America's Prisons

As a result of the crime boom of the '70s and '80s, experts are predicting an explosion in the number of elderly prisoners in the coming decades. What do you think?
  • "I'll tell you one upside to this: Jailbreaks and riots will take on more of a comical, pathetic quality."

    Marianne Anders Math Teacher
  • "She's never been to jail, but my grandmother is a prisoner in her own home. No way am I taking her out for walks."

    Freddie Payton Veterinarian
  • "I've been in prison for over 60 years. But do I complain? No! I'm fit as a fiddle, thanks to my Jack LaLanne juicer and a daily regimen of shower-room anal rape."

    Marty Santana Systems Analyst
  • "I heard that Roddy The Weasel, the top man in cell block 15-B, just broke his hip."

    Elyse Reuschel School Psychologist
  • "If they're really, really old, you can just stick them in some room and tell them it's jail."

    Chet Reid Civil Engineer
  • "Lefty's doing time in Sing Sing, see, because he took the fall for Moishe, see? We're going to bust him out, see? Then we're going to put the kibosh on DeSantoni's gang."

    Milt Worrell Safety Inspector

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close