The Graying Of America's Prisons

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Vol 31 Issue 24

NATO Admits Slovenia, Mummenschanz, Czech Republic

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND—The North Atlantic Treaty Organization welcomed three new members Monday: former Soviet republic Slovenia, Swiss mask-mime troupe Mummenschanz, and the Czech Republic. "We are pleased to welcome three new allies in the peace process," NATO Secretary-General Javier Solana said at a press conference. "We anticipate a long and rewarding relationship with these new members, particularly the one with the crazy tube costumes." After Slovenian and Czech diplomats spoke to the press, Mummenschanz representatives affirmed their commitment to NATO with a whimsical seven-minute performance in which one member wearing a featureless clay mask attempted to imitate the intricately sculptured facial features of a fellow member. In return, Solana pledged the troupe full military backup if attacked, as well as $400 million in toilet-paper aid.

George Lucas Announces Gala 21st Anniversary Star Wars Rerelease

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Next summer's blockbusters will have some old-fashioned competition when the Star Wars trilogy gets a special 21st anniversary re-release in 4,600 theaters nationwide. George Lucas officially announced his rerelease plans Monday at 20th Century Fox headquarters. "In 1998, Star Wars will be 21 years old. As part of the celebration, we wanted to give Star Wars fans of all ages a chance to see the films the way they were meant to be seen—on the big screen," he said. "For the kids who were too young to see these movies when they were out last year, this should be a magical event." Also slated for next year: a special home-video release of Star Wars: Master Edition in celebration of the 16th anniversary of the film's video-store debut in 1982. Lucas promised brand-new footage in all the upcoming releases: "If you haven't seen Return Of The Jedi with the sandstorm scene," he said, "then you haven't seen it at all. You have been ripped off."

We Must Strike Now While England Is Weak!

Fellow Americans, to call for war is to be absolutely certain in one's convictions. And never have I been so certain of the necessity for bloodshed than at this moment in our history, for our enemy—a nation held in contempt by free men the world over—is weak, and her empire is slipping from her once-mighty grip. To speak the name of the tyrant is to befoul the mouth of Democracy. But speak it we must, if only to call the armed might of our nation down upon its foul malignancy. For arm ourselves we must—against the evil that is England!

Entertainment Tonight Acquires Exclusive Preview Footage

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an unprecedented act of journalistic subterfuge, Entertainment Tonight has acquired preview footage from the set of the upcoming action film Maximum Heat, giving ET viewers a rare opportunity to see a portion of a film that will not be in theaters until fall.

U.S. Secretary Of Beer: 'Woooo!'

WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised press conference, U.S. Secretary of Beer Earl Titleman shouted boisterously and implored the American people to get down, specifically exclaiming, "Woooo!" and raising both fists in the air. The statement marks the most high-profile public pronouncement from the Department of Beer and Malt Liquor since its May 1994 collaboration with the ATF on a landmark kegger. Titleman has come under fire in the past for his liberal stance on shotgunning and his inability to count backwards from 87. "Let's get the ladies in here," urged Titleman in his 23-minute speech. "I'll take 'em all on, 'cause I'm the Big Kahuna, and y'all know what that means."

Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide

WASHINGTON, DC—The six-millennia-old sky-father deity Yahweh, worshiped by Christians, Muslims and Jews alike for His alleged all-knowing compassion and vast benevolence toward humanity, refused comment following Monday's announcement that the U.S. Justice Department will investigate allegations of failure on His part to provide for His approximately 3.5 billion human followers.
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Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Holiday

The Graying Of America's Prisons

As a result of the crime boom of the '70s and '80s, experts are predicting an explosion in the number of elderly prisoners in the coming decades. What do you think?
  • "I'll tell you one upside to this: Jailbreaks and riots will take on more of a comical, pathetic quality."

    Marianne Anders
    Math Teacher
  • "She's never been to jail, but my grandmother is a prisoner in her own home. No way am I taking her out for walks."

    Freddie Payton
    Veterinarian
  • "I've been in prison for over 60 years. But do I complain? No! I'm fit as a fiddle, thanks to my Jack LaLanne juicer and a daily regimen of shower-room anal rape."

    Marty Santana
    Systems Analyst
  • "I heard that Roddy The Weasel, the top man in cell block 15-B, just broke his hip."

    Elyse Reuschel
    School Psychologist
  • "If they're really, really old, you can just stick them in some room and tell them it's jail."

    Chet Reid
    Civil Engineer
  • "Lefty's doing time in Sing Sing, see, because he took the fall for Moishe, see? We're going to bust him out, see? Then we're going to put the kibosh on DeSantoni's gang."

    Milt Worrell
    Safety Inspector
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