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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Graying Of America's Prisons

As a result of the crime boom of the '70s and '80s, experts are predicting an explosion in the number of elderly prisoners in the coming decades. What do you think?
  • "I'll tell you one upside to this: Jailbreaks and riots will take on more of a comical, pathetic quality."

    Marianne Anders Math Teacher
  • "She's never been to jail, but my grandmother is a prisoner in her own home. No way am I taking her out for walks."

    Freddie Payton Veterinarian
  • "I've been in prison for over 60 years. But do I complain? No! I'm fit as a fiddle, thanks to my Jack LaLanne juicer and a daily regimen of shower-room anal rape."

    Marty Santana Systems Analyst
  • "I heard that Roddy The Weasel, the top man in cell block 15-B, just broke his hip."

    Elyse Reuschel School Psychologist
  • "If they're really, really old, you can just stick them in some room and tell them it's jail."

    Chet Reid Civil Engineer
  • "Lefty's doing time in Sing Sing, see, because he took the fall for Moishe, see? We're going to bust him out, see? Then we're going to put the kibosh on DeSantoni's gang."

    Milt Worrell Safety Inspector
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