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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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The Great White Tragedy

Some are calling for criminal charges to be filed against the band Great White for its role in the deadly Feb. 20 pyrotechnics fire in Rhode Island. What do you think?
  • "What happened in that Rhode Island club is shocking. To think that over a hundred people would attend a Great White concert..."

    Jim Clemons Financial Analyst
  • "Without pyrotechnics, '80s metal bands will have no way to keep audiences from noticing how shitty their music is."

    Cynthia Kelleher Therapist
  • "As a concerned parent, I think it's high time somebody started speaking out against this dangerous shark-themed rock."

    Theresa King Homemaker
  • "I only feel safe inside a rock club when Lemmy is playing."

    Phil Orland Mechanic
  • "The saddest part of all is, they never even got to hear 'Once Bitten, Twice Shy.'"

    Bill Barton Truck Driver
  • "How many more people have to die before no one ever dies again?"

    Daniel Haley Systems Analyst
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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