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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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The High Cost Of Weddings

The average cost of a wedding in the United States is $19,581. What do you think?

  • "That's just if you're looking for an average wedding. We've got unmemorable substandard wedding packages beginning at only 14 grand."

    Keith Brenneck Wedding Planner
  • "Well, in my case, it will need to be much higher. I'm only attracted to needy, covetous women whose wedding fantasies never got beyond the Barbie stage and who never seem happy anyhow."

    Alice Foder Mica Inspector
  • "But what's the alternative? Saving $20,000 and having sex with lots of different people?"

    Damon Lombardo Systems Analyst

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