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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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The High Cost Of Weddings

The average cost of a wedding in the United States is $19,581. What do you think?

  • "That's just if you're looking for an average wedding. We've got unmemorable substandard wedding packages beginning at only 14 grand."

    Keith Brenneck Wedding Planner
  • "Well, in my case, it will need to be much higher. I'm only attracted to needy, covetous women whose wedding fantasies never got beyond the Barbie stage and who never seem happy anyhow."

    Alice Foder Mica Inspector
  • "But what's the alternative? Saving $20,000 and having sex with lots of different people?"

    Damon Lombardo Systems Analyst

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