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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The Holistic Medicine Boom

Led by such new-age gurus as Deepak Chopra and Andrew Weil, holistic medicine is more popular than ever. What do you think of alternative medicine?
  • "I tried acupuncture once to cure a liver ailment. It wasn't the needles that bothered me; it was the Asian guy laughing at me in the background."

    Ed Shelby Reference Librarian
  • "My bad breath was recently healed by a powerful new-age Certs flavor crystal."

    Alison Nickerson Bank Teller
  • "This guy once told me he could redirect my chi energy by putting his dick in my butt. He was a very wise man."

    Ron Kramer Systems Analyst
  • "I had my thyroid gland removed without any anesthetic, and only two acupuncture needles in my neck. The pain was excruciating."

    Francis Dhuey Interior Designer
  • "I've been on a ginseng-only diet for three weeks now. Look at the colors, man. The colors."

    Stacy Rokowitz Psychologist
  • "My wife had a swami over last week to correctly align her yoni and chakras. She said it worked, but it sure looked to me like he was just fucking her."

    Benjamin Wuhl Plumber

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