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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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The Holistic Medicine Boom

Led by such new-age gurus as Deepak Chopra and Andrew Weil, holistic medicine is more popular than ever. What do you think of alternative medicine?
  • "I tried acupuncture once to cure a liver ailment. It wasn't the needles that bothered me; it was the Asian guy laughing at me in the background."

    Ed Shelby Reference Librarian
  • "My bad breath was recently healed by a powerful new-age Certs flavor crystal."

    Alison Nickerson Bank Teller
  • "This guy once told me he could redirect my chi energy by putting his dick in my butt. He was a very wise man."

    Ron Kramer Systems Analyst
  • "I had my thyroid gland removed without any anesthetic, and only two acupuncture needles in my neck. The pain was excruciating."

    Francis Dhuey Interior Designer
  • "I've been on a ginseng-only diet for three weeks now. Look at the colors, man. The colors."

    Stacy Rokowitz Psychologist
  • "My wife had a swami over last week to correctly align her yoni and chakras. She said it worked, but it sure looked to me like he was just fucking her."

    Benjamin Wuhl Plumber

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