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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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The Holocaust And The Vatican

Last week, the Vatican issued a document apologizing for its silence during the Holocaust. Jewish leaders called the document–which spread the blame for the genocide and praised wartime Pope Pius XII as a diplomat—"too little, too late." What do you think?
  • "Oh, like none of us ever collaborated with the Nazis in a systematic campaign to end the Jewish Problem. We're all just sooo perfect, aren't we?"

    John Frank Chemical Engineer
  • "This is the worst thing to happen in Catholic-Jewish relations since Billy Joel said, 'You Catholic girls start much too late.' Billy Joel is Jewish, isn't he?"

    Michael Richelieu Carpenter
  • "So the Catholics say they're sorry, but they stand by the Pope? That's the same thing Father Miller said after he cornholed me."

    Oscar Dwyer Landscaper
  • "I'll tell you one thing, no matter what happens, both sides of this debate are going to be riddled with guilt."

    Cory Patterson Systems Analyst
  • "I'm still waiting for an apology from the producers of Hogan's Heroes. They barely even acknowledged the Holocaust on that show."

    Lisa Silverman Occupational Therapist
  • "I'm sure Pope Pius was just following God's orders."

    Libby Kasich Dental Hygienist

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