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The Holocaust And The Vatican

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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The Holocaust And The Vatican

Last week, the Vatican issued a document apologizing for its silence during the Holocaust. Jewish leaders called the document–which spread the blame for the genocide and praised wartime Pope Pius XII as a diplomat—"too little, too late." What do you think?
  • "Oh, like none of us ever collaborated with the Nazis in a systematic campaign to end the Jewish Problem. We're all just sooo perfect, aren't we?"

    John Frank Chemical Engineer
  • "This is the worst thing to happen in Catholic-Jewish relations since Billy Joel said, 'You Catholic girls start much too late.' Billy Joel is Jewish, isn't he?"

    Michael Richelieu Carpenter
  • "So the Catholics say they're sorry, but they stand by the Pope? That's the same thing Father Miller said after he cornholed me."

    Oscar Dwyer Landscaper
  • "I'll tell you one thing, no matter what happens, both sides of this debate are going to be riddled with guilt."

    Cory Patterson Systems Analyst
  • "I'm still waiting for an apology from the producers of Hogan's Heroes. They barely even acknowledged the Holocaust on that show."

    Lisa Silverman Occupational Therapist
  • "I'm sure Pope Pius was just following God's orders."

    Libby Kasich Dental Hygienist

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