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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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The Human-Cloning Controversy

Last week, scientists announced the first-ever cloning of a human embryo, which they hope to mine for stem cells to treat diseases. What do you think?
  • "At last, the underpopulation crisis has found its magic bullet."

    Carla Rayner Homemaker
  • "A whole population of identical-looking human beings? This chilling dystopian vision has already come to pass in the fall J. Crew catalog."

    Leslie Jong Massage Therapist
  • "We don't need these cloned embryos takin' all the jobs away from regular embryos."

    Rich Stewart Auto Mechanic
  • "Scientists should not be allowed to play God. Brian Blessed would be much better."

    Donald Scott Tax Attorney
  • "I've got a plan to create the world's first human-clone hybrid. Remember that sheep Dolly? I'm gonna fuck it."

    Fred Gardner Cashier
  • "I think I'll just sit back and let the ignorant, hysterical Christians handle this one."

    Peter Jordan Systems Analyst
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