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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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The India-Pakistan Conflict

Tensions continue to rise between India and Pakistan, with the nuclear rivals threatening to go to war over the disputed Kashmir region. What do you think?
  • "Ever since the days of Gandhi, India has been eager to overcome the stereotype that they're a bunch of wise, deeply spiritual peacemakers."

    Irene Collins Dental Hygienist
  • "If it does come down to a full-scale war, I'm siding with whichever country makes that awesome puffy bread."

    Gina Lathon Student
  • "India and Pakistan may be the next nations to use nukes in war, but no one had better forget who was first. USA! USA! USA!"

    Rich Ketcham Delivery Driver
  • "Oh, don't worry. All this tension and conflict is just a prelude to the showstopping Bollywood dance number."

    Rajesh Subhraveti Cashier
  • "Why would they fear a nuclear war? Pakistan's Muslims have an eternity of honeyed figs awaiting them in the afterlife, and India's Hindus will all just get reincarnated."

    Andrew Schorr Systems Analyst
  • "You know, this is precisely why I only read the sports and comics sections."

    Marlon Watts Architect

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