The India-Pakistan Conflict

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Vol 38 Issue 21

Area Woman Slams Down Phone, Waits For It To Ring

STARKVILLE, MS— Following a heated conversation with boyfriend Chris Lea, area resident Michelle Aston, 22, violently slammed down her phone receiver and immediately began waiting for Lea to call back. "He'll call," Aston said. "He's too smart not to." Aston waited six minutes and eleven seconds before heading to the back porch to smoke a cigarette.

Hypnotist Looking For Gimmick To Set Him Apart From Other Hypnotists

CHICAGO— Hypnotist Ed "Dr. Mysterioso" Allen is seeking a gimmick to set him apart from the hundreds of other hypnotists on the nightclub circuit. "I don't know, there's already a bunch of singing hypnotists and a ventriloquist hypnotist," said Allen, leafing through ads in the back pages of Getting Sleepy, a hypnotism trade magazine. "Maybe I could be the juggling hypnotist. Or wear some sort of funny hat. I just don't want to be lost in the crowd."

New Ad Preys On People With 'Ideas'

LOS ANGELES— A new ad appearing in dozens of magazines and newspapers shamelessly preys on people with "ideas." "Turn your idea into $$$!" read the 1/16th-page ad, which ran this week in the classifieds section of Parade and Rolling Stone. "Learn how top inventors get their ideas off the page and into the marketplace!" It remains to be seen how the nation's idea-having demographic will respond to the unnamed advertiser's attempt to charge a fee per idea submission, successful or not.

Drought-Ravaged NYC Institutes Alternate-Side-Of-Street Firefighting

NEW YORK— Suffering from months of drought, New York City instituted alternate-side-of-the-street firefighting Monday. "On odd-numbered days, even-numbered buildings are not permitted to catch fire," Mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a press conference. "For those who fail to comply, we will not be able to put out your fire until the following morning. Your kind cooperation will help conserve water resources throughout the New York area."

Jackie Chan's Ancestors Shamed By Blooper Reel

HONG KONG— The shades of the ancestors of action hero Jackie Chan were posthumously disgraced upon seeing a "blooper reel" at the end of Rush Hour 2. "I die a thousand deaths when my dishonorable progeny fails to remember his line," said the ghost of Chan Kim-Yiang, who died fighting against the British occupation of Hong Kong in 1840. "To see him flip off a restaurant table, only to land wrong and bonk his head, brings dishonor to all the Chans who have passed from this world into the realm of wind and ghosts."

Career Separates

When Roz, my Fashion Bug supervisor, called the entire staff together for a special meeting, I swore that this time, I'd come prepared. Whenever we have a meeting, Ellen, the girl who got the assistant-manager position instead of me just because she's Roz's friend, brings a treat like crumb cake or donuts. Everybody always makes such a big fuss about it, like she made this big effort. (Her baked goods are homemade, all right... in Mrs. Entenmann's home!)

The FBI Overhaul

Under fire form pre-Sept. 11 intelligence breakdowns, the FBI inveiled a sweeping reform plan last week.
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The India-Pakistan Conflict

Tensions continue to rise between India and Pakistan, with the nuclear rivals threatening to go to war over the disputed Kashmir region. What do you think?
  • "Ever since the days of Gandhi, India has been eager to overcome the stereotype that they're a bunch of wise, deeply spiritual peacemakers."

    Irene Collins
    Dental Hygienist
  • "If it does come down to a full-scale war, I'm siding with whichever country makes that awesome puffy bread."

    Gina Lathon
    Student
  • "India and Pakistan may be the next nations to use nukes in war, but no one had better forget who was first. USA! USA! USA!"

    Rich Ketcham
    Delivery Driver
  • "Oh, don't worry. All this tension and conflict is just a prelude to the showstopping Bollywood dance number."

    Rajesh Subhraveti
    Cashier
  • "Why would they fear a nuclear war? Pakistan's Muslims have an eternity of honeyed figs awaiting them in the afterlife, and India's Hindus will all just get reincarnated."

    Andrew Schorr
    Systems Analyst
  • "You know, this is precisely why I only read the sports and comics sections."

    Marlon Watts
    Architect
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