adBlockCheck

The India-Pakistan Conflict

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

The India-Pakistan Conflict

Tensions continue to rise between India and Pakistan, with the nuclear rivals threatening to go to war over the disputed Kashmir region. What do you think?
  • "Ever since the days of Gandhi, India has been eager to overcome the stereotype that they're a bunch of wise, deeply spiritual peacemakers."

    Irene Collins Dental Hygienist
  • "If it does come down to a full-scale war, I'm siding with whichever country makes that awesome puffy bread."

    Gina Lathon Student
  • "India and Pakistan may be the next nations to use nukes in war, but no one had better forget who was first. USA! USA! USA!"

    Rich Ketcham Delivery Driver
  • "Oh, don't worry. All this tension and conflict is just a prelude to the showstopping Bollywood dance number."

    Rajesh Subhraveti Cashier
  • "Why would they fear a nuclear war? Pakistan's Muslims have an eternity of honeyed figs awaiting them in the afterlife, and India's Hindus will all just get reincarnated."

    Andrew Schorr Systems Analyst
  • "You know, this is precisely why I only read the sports and comics sections."

    Marlon Watts Architect

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close