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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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The Interest-Rate Hike

Last week, the Federal Reserve raised a key short-term interest rate for the first time in four years. What do you think?
  • "It's about time Greenspan got off his duff and did something other than sit around the office all day analyzing market indicators."

    Danielle Strohkirch Secretary
  • "As long as the rate hike makes it tougher for terrorists to afford the tools of terror, I'll support it."

    Justin Fillmore Dental Hygienist
  • "Perfect. Just perfect. First my wife leaves me, then my son dies in a car accident, and now this?"

    Michael Eighmy Systems Analyst
  • "Classic move by the Fed Chief there. Man, Greenspan—gotta love him."

    Tony Fields Audiologist
  • "The lenders should fight the Feds and refuse to raise the rates. Come on, America. We can do this."

    Jason Forst Performer
  • "How does the Federal Reserve sleep at night? More to the point, how does it stay awake during the day?"

    Christine Cain Veterinarian

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