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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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The Interest-Rate Hike

Last week, the Federal Reserve raised a key short-term interest rate for the first time in four years. What do you think?
  • "It's about time Greenspan got off his duff and did something other than sit around the office all day analyzing market indicators."

    Danielle Strohkirch Secretary
  • "As long as the rate hike makes it tougher for terrorists to afford the tools of terror, I'll support it."

    Justin Fillmore Dental Hygienist
  • "Perfect. Just perfect. First my wife leaves me, then my son dies in a car accident, and now this?"

    Michael Eighmy Systems Analyst
  • "Classic move by the Fed Chief there. Man, Greenspan—gotta love him."

    Tony Fields Audiologist
  • "The lenders should fight the Feds and refuse to raise the rates. Come on, America. We can do this."

    Jason Forst Performer
  • "How does the Federal Reserve sleep at night? More to the point, how does it stay awake during the day?"

    Christine Cain Veterinarian
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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