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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The Interest-Rate Hike

Last week, the Federal Reserve raised a key short-term interest rate for the first time in four years. What do you think?
  • "It's about time Greenspan got off his duff and did something other than sit around the office all day analyzing market indicators."

    Danielle Strohkirch Secretary
  • "As long as the rate hike makes it tougher for terrorists to afford the tools of terror, I'll support it."

    Justin Fillmore Dental Hygienist
  • "Perfect. Just perfect. First my wife leaves me, then my son dies in a car accident, and now this?"

    Michael Eighmy Systems Analyst
  • "Classic move by the Fed Chief there. Man, Greenspan—gotta love him."

    Tony Fields Audiologist
  • "The lenders should fight the Feds and refuse to raise the rates. Come on, America. We can do this."

    Jason Forst Performer
  • "How does the Federal Reserve sleep at night? More to the point, how does it stay awake during the day?"

    Christine Cain Veterinarian
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