The Interest-Rate Hike

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges

With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.
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The Interest-Rate Hike

Last week, the Federal Reserve raised a key short-term interest rate for the first time in four years. What do you think?
  • "It's about time Greenspan got off his duff and did something other than sit around the office all day analyzing market indicators."

    Danielle Strohkirch Secretary
  • "As long as the rate hike makes it tougher for terrorists to afford the tools of terror, I'll support it."

    Justin Fillmore Dental Hygienist
  • "Perfect. Just perfect. First my wife leaves me, then my son dies in a car accident, and now this?"

    Michael Eighmy Systems Analyst
  • "Classic move by the Fed Chief there. Man, Greenspan—gotta love him."

    Tony Fields Audiologist
  • "The lenders should fight the Feds and refuse to raise the rates. Come on, America. We can do this."

    Jason Forst Performer
  • "How does the Federal Reserve sleep at night? More to the point, how does it stay awake during the day?"

    Christine Cain Veterinarian

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