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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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The Iraq Standoff

Saddam Hussein continues to defy the terms of Iraq's Gulf War surrender, refusing to let U.N. weapons inspectors into his nation unless economic sanctions are lifted. What do you think the U.S. should do?
  • "Hopefully, the situation will deteriorate rapidly, as I still have over 43,000 'Saddam Insane' T-shirts left over in my garage from the Gulf War."

    Teresa Templeton School Psychologist
  • "I know how those U.N. guys feel. I've been asking this girl at work to let me inspect her weapons for weeks now, but so far, no luck."

    Bob Sobel Cashier
  • "I am shocked that Saddam is not intimidated by the mighty U.N. peacekeepers, with their powder-blue uniforms and nightsticks."

    Chad Scherr Systems Analyst
  • "No doubt about it, that Saddam Hussein is a wily fox. A wily, wily fox."

    Kim Vallejo Chemist
  • "I'm sure that if we just sat down and reasoned with these flag-burning Arab madmen, they'd see our point of view."

    Andrew Allanson Electrician
  • "Whatever happened to the good old days, when you bombed the living shit out of somebody, and they stayed bombed?"

    Brandon Wilens Graduate Student
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