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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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The Iraq Standoff

Saddam Hussein continues to defy the terms of Iraq's Gulf War surrender, refusing to let U.N. weapons inspectors into his nation unless economic sanctions are lifted. What do you think the U.S. should do?
  • "Hopefully, the situation will deteriorate rapidly, as I still have over 43,000 'Saddam Insane' T-shirts left over in my garage from the Gulf War."

    Teresa Templeton School Psychologist
  • "I know how those U.N. guys feel. I've been asking this girl at work to let me inspect her weapons for weeks now, but so far, no luck."

    Bob Sobel Cashier
  • "I am shocked that Saddam is not intimidated by the mighty U.N. peacekeepers, with their powder-blue uniforms and nightsticks."

    Chad Scherr Systems Analyst
  • "No doubt about it, that Saddam Hussein is a wily fox. A wily, wily fox."

    Kim Vallejo Chemist
  • "I'm sure that if we just sat down and reasoned with these flag-burning Arab madmen, they'd see our point of view."

    Andrew Allanson Electrician
  • "Whatever happened to the good old days, when you bombed the living shit out of somebody, and they stayed bombed?"

    Brandon Wilens Graduate Student

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