The Iraq Standoff

Top Headlines

Recent News

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

  • Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

    YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

The Iraq Standoff

Saddam Hussein continues to defy the terms of Iraq's Gulf War surrender, refusing to let U.N. weapons inspectors into his nation unless economic sanctions are lifted. What do you think the U.S. should do?
  • "Hopefully, the situation will deteriorate rapidly, as I still have over 43,000 'Saddam Insane' T-shirts left over in my garage from the Gulf War."

    Teresa Templeton
    School Psychologist
  • "I know how those U.N. guys feel. I've been asking this girl at work to let me inspect her weapons for weeks now, but so far, no luck."

    Bob Sobel
    Cashier
  • "I am shocked that Saddam is not intimidated by the mighty U.N. peacekeepers, with their powder-blue uniforms and nightsticks."

    Chad Scherr
    Systems Analyst
  • "No doubt about it, that Saddam Hussein is a wily fox. A wily, wily fox."

    Kim Vallejo
    Chemist
  • "I'm sure that if we just sat down and reasoned with these flag-burning Arab madmen, they'd see our point of view."

    Andrew Allanson
    Electrician
  • "Whatever happened to the good old days, when you bombed the living shit out of somebody, and they stayed bombed?"

    Brandon Wilens
    Graduate Student