The Iraq Standoff

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Vol 33 Issue 03

Pepsi Super Bowl Ad Raises Worldwide Pepsi-Awareness .00000000001 Percent

SOMERS, NY—A 60-second, $2.6 million ad that aired during Sunday’s Super Bowl telecast has raised awareness of Pepsi .00000000001 percent, Pepsi officials said Monday. Specifically, the ad raised Pepsi-awareness in Xiao Bu—a 71-year-old Pyongyang, China, peasant and one of five known humans not familiar with Pepsi—who learned of the existence of the soft drink while watching the Super Bowl. “This $2.6 million was money well spent. With it, Pepsi has finally surpassed 99.9999999999 percent global saturation and cracked the hard-to-reach Xiao Bu market,” Pepsico’s Ken Doyle said. “We now look forward to introducing Pepsi to Mala N’dougou of Gabon and babies who were born in comas.” In response to the Pepsi ad, chief rival Coca-Cola announced Tuesday it will launch its own $11 million ad blitz targeting Xiao.

1994 Video-Store Receipt Reveals Clinton Rented Night Eyes 2, 3

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is strongly denying special prosecutor Kenneth Starr’s claim that he has a receipt proving that on July 11, 1994, Clinton rented Night Eyes 2 and Night Eyes 3, two mature-audiences-only erotic thrillers starring former Playboy Playmate Of The Year Shannon Tweed. According to Starr, the receipt, unearthed during a year-long Justice Department probe of D.C.-area video stores, “clearly proves that the president not only rented these two films, but, even more damning, did so on the same night. That is over three hours of steamy adult fare enjoyed in one single viewing by the president.” In the wake of the findings, Starr is ordering the store where the films were rented to hand over all receipt records dating back to 1992 to discern whether Clinton may have also rented Night Eyes, the first installment in the series, starring Tanya Roberts. Starr also ordered the Justice Department to hand over recently surfaced White House cable-tap recordings that are purported to contain over 40 hours of Spice Channel pay-per-view. Tweed has refused to comment on the crisis.

Oh, Area Man’s Aching Back

JERSEY CITY, NJ—According to a report issued Wednesday by 51-year-old Jersey City resident Phil Lardner, Jesus Christ Almighty, his back feels like a goddamn elephant stepped on it. Fuck, the report stated, Lardner should never have tried to move that dishwasher by himself. The report went on to note that Lardner may require medical attention if he can ever make it to the freaking phone, and that if he doesn’t collect some workman’s comp for this one, forget about it.

A New Year, A New Jean

This is soooo exciting—my first column of 1998! Actually, I'm kind of dreading 1998, because it's the year I finally turn the big 4-0! Can you believe it? (I sure can't!)
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The Iraq Standoff

Saddam Hussein continues to defy the terms of Iraq's Gulf War surrender, refusing to let U.N. weapons inspectors into his nation unless economic sanctions are lifted. What do you think the U.S. should do?
  • "Hopefully, the situation will deteriorate rapidly, as I still have over 43,000 'Saddam Insane' T-shirts left over in my garage from the Gulf War."

    Teresa Templeton
    School Psychologist
  • "I know how those U.N. guys feel. I've been asking this girl at work to let me inspect her weapons for weeks now, but so far, no luck."

    Bob Sobel
    Cashier
  • "I am shocked that Saddam is not intimidated by the mighty U.N. peacekeepers, with their powder-blue uniforms and nightsticks."

    Chad Scherr
    Systems Analyst
  • "No doubt about it, that Saddam Hussein is a wily fox. A wily, wily fox."

    Kim Vallejo
    Chemist
  • "I'm sure that if we just sat down and reasoned with these flag-burning Arab madmen, they'd see our point of view."

    Andrew Allanson
    Electrician
  • "Whatever happened to the good old days, when you bombed the living shit out of somebody, and they stayed bombed?"

    Brandon Wilens
    Graduate Student
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