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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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The Land Mine Debate

Representatives of nearly 100 nations gathered in Oslo last week to draft a treaty to ban land mines globally. The treaty was rejected by President Clinton, who said that mines are necessary to protect certain disputed borders. What do you think?
  • "The governments of many Third World nations rely on land mines as their primary means of blowing the legs off innocent children. Without them, what would they do—saw all those legs off by hand?"

    Richard Vasquez Optometrist
  • "As a military historian, I know of a far greater threat than land mines: Welsh longbows. Why, those things cut down scores of French infantrymen during the Battle of Agincourt."

    Michelle Reyerson Historian
  • "I was against land mines until I found out that we don't have any in Minnesota. Now I don't care either way."

    Nancy Stennett Student
  • "I just think it's awful that Princess Diana had to be tragically killed by a land mine in order to bring this serious issue to the fore."

    Ken Unger Landscaper
  • "Land mines are unconscionable in this day and age. From now on, the world's military powers should rely on underground motion-detecting hunter/seeker mobile cyberdrones equipped with rotating sawblades."

    J.D. Lewis Systems Analyst
  • "I'll betcha one of them land mines would really do a number on your nutsack."

    Oscar Steinholz Salesman

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