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The Land Mine Debate

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International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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The Land Mine Debate

Representatives of nearly 100 nations gathered in Oslo last week to draft a treaty to ban land mines globally. The treaty was rejected by President Clinton, who said that mines are necessary to protect certain disputed borders. What do you think?
  • "The governments of many Third World nations rely on land mines as their primary means of blowing the legs off innocent children. Without them, what would they do—saw all those legs off by hand?"

    Richard Vasquez Optometrist
  • "As a military historian, I know of a far greater threat than land mines: Welsh longbows. Why, those things cut down scores of French infantrymen during the Battle of Agincourt."

    Michelle Reyerson Historian
  • "I was against land mines until I found out that we don't have any in Minnesota. Now I don't care either way."

    Nancy Stennett Student
  • "I just think it's awful that Princess Diana had to be tragically killed by a land mine in order to bring this serious issue to the fore."

    Ken Unger Landscaper
  • "Land mines are unconscionable in this day and age. From now on, the world's military powers should rely on underground motion-detecting hunter/seeker mobile cyberdrones equipped with rotating sawblades."

    J.D. Lewis Systems Analyst
  • "I'll betcha one of them land mines would really do a number on your nutsack."

    Oscar Steinholz Salesman

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