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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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‘The Lion King’ Turns 20

This week marks the 20th anniversary of the theatrical release of The Lion King, Disney's classic musical adventure film, which remains one of the most popular animated movies of all time. What do you think?

  • “Twenty years and there hasn't even been a reboot yet? What a piece of shit.”

    Kendall Warsinger Brochure Editor
  • “My daughter used to have the biggest crush on Simba, until I explained he was just a series of still images manipulated to create the illusion of motion.”

    Brian Raad Unemployed
  • “It's incredible what Disney is capable of when it has a Japanese animated feature it can rip off.”

    David Scrabis Fireworks Tester

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