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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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The Little Cuban Boy

Elian Gonzalez, a 6-year-old Cuban boy, is the subject of a bitter international custody battle. Found at sea on Nov. 25, two days after his mother drowned with 10 others in an ill-fated attempt to flee Cuba for the U.S., the boy is currently living with relatives in Miami. His father, who lives in the Cuban town of Cardenas, has demanded his return. What do you think?
  • "We can't let this child come under the sway of an isolationist, tyrannical state led by a self-obsessed sociopath. By all means, send him back to Cuba."

    Garnett Baker Systems Analyst
  • "Elian should be allowed to stay. It would be good for Miami to get a little splash of Cuban culture."

    Donna Keegan School Psychologist
  • "This calls for the wisdom of Solomon, who threatened to cut a young boy in half. Of course, that's just a myth, but with modern medical technology, we could actually make it work."

    Michael Teague Consultant
  • "First them Cubans take away our jobs, then they try to take away our immigrants. I say send 'em all back to Cuba! Could you repeat the question?"

    Todd Thomas Machinist
  • "We can't send him back there. They fry bananas, for God's sake."

    Wesley Pierce Jeweler
  • "Political considerations should not play a role in the life of a little boy who is a clear publicity tool in a politically motivated international public-relations dispute."

    Linda Petruso Homemaker
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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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