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The Little Cuban Boy

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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The Little Cuban Boy

Elian Gonzalez, a 6-year-old Cuban boy, is the subject of a bitter international custody battle. Found at sea on Nov. 25, two days after his mother drowned with 10 others in an ill-fated attempt to flee Cuba for the U.S., the boy is currently living with relatives in Miami. His father, who lives in the Cuban town of Cardenas, has demanded his return. What do you think?
  • "We can't let this child come under the sway of an isolationist, tyrannical state led by a self-obsessed sociopath. By all means, send him back to Cuba."

    Garnett Baker
    Systems Analyst
  • "Elian should be allowed to stay. It would be good for Miami to get a little splash of Cuban culture."

    Donna Keegan
    School Psychologist
  • "This calls for the wisdom of Solomon, who threatened to cut a young boy in half. Of course, that's just a myth, but with modern medical technology, we could actually make it work."

    Michael Teague
    Consultant
  • "First them Cubans take away our jobs, then they try to take away our immigrants. I say send 'em all back to Cuba! Could you repeat the question?"

    Todd Thomas
    Machinist
  • "We can't send him back there. They fry bananas, for God's sake."

    Wesley Pierce
    Jeweler
  • "Political considerations should not play a role in the life of a little boy who is a clear publicity tool in a politically motivated international public-relations dispute."

    Linda Petruso
    Homemaker

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